I am
well aware it’s been a while since my last blog post – almost two months, I
think. But after the last lovely date I had, I once again swore off dating and
the inspiration was lacking. But rest assured, the blog is not done, it just
hit a bit of a speed bump.
After
about four years of disastrous dating experiences – you’re welcome – I decided
to take a new approach to dating; I
don’t like that word, it’s too full of pressure. Let’s say a new approach to
going out with guys. Maybe I need to be friends with someone before I can date
them. I recently tried out this new approach and, luckily for me, it seems to
be working so far. But I am a creature of habit, and no matter how well things
may be going at the moment, the girl who wrote all those other blog posts is
still expecting shit to hit the proverbial fan. Let me share with you a
metaphor for dating I so cleverly thought up while washing my hair.
I
live in a fairly old house and a lot of the amenities aren’t as efficient as
they are in newer houses – like hot water. The hot water in my house is a
cruel, unforgiving creature that only works in ONE machine at a time. Shower,
dishwasher or laundry machine, you can have one, not all. The hot water in the
shower runs out after about fifteen minutes and doesn’t come back for
forty-five. I like to think of most “flings” as being the same way. At the
beginning – the very short beginning – you have this great heat, and it’s
awesome, like your wonderfully hot shower. Then out of nowhere, that bitch of a
hot water tank, or the guy you’re flinging
with, turns cold with no warning and the heat is gone. And no matter how
hard you try to get that hot water back, you can’t. You’re showering in cold
water and it’s time to get out. Wow,
that’s deep. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. …I’m sorry for that one; I really can’t
help it.
FYI,
that is the most profound thing I will say for a long while, so please
appreciate the almost too clever mediocrity of that wonderful shower metaphor.
So as
I was saying, being a creature of habit, I am constantly expecting the hot
water to shut off without notice. It happens in real life all the time,
literally the shower though, metaphorically, just most of the time. And if
you’re like me, you probably have this little routine of overthinking
everything until you believe it’s ruined, and then you actually ruin it. It’s great fun, but I don’t advise
anyone do this to themselves.
The
great thing though, is if you start hanging out with someone who is actually a
good human being – a very attractive, good human being (wink) – they will keep
giving you reasons to stop ruining
things, rather than reasons to believe the hot water’s about to run out. Don’t
get me wrong, you – me – will still find some way to screw things up, but if
you’ve got a good thing going, the other person might not notice the distant
texts you’re sending them in the attempt to not
be clingy. And in that case, hopefully you’re just ruining things in your
head and not in real life! And that, my friends, is how you beat the metaphorical
hot water tank. And if all goes well, maybe he will take you out for Chinese
food, because the best way to romance a woman is to take her out for Chinese
food. Extra points for you if you know what that’s from.
