Being
a professional singleton in your twenties no doubt has its problems; the fear
of commitment, compulsive sabotaging of promising (almost) relationships,
never-ending bad date stories, the list goes on. But the most underrated and
probably most frustrating problem of being a twenty-three year old single
female has got to be jealousy. And not from you, but from the obviously
insecure counterparts of anyone you talk to.
Now
you might think I’m talking specifically about crazy girlfriends who refuse to
talk to me and stare me down when they make their boyfriends order their
passion tea lemonades from me. And yes, they are quite a hassle and I do enjoy
fucking with them – if you act like I’m flirting with your boyfriend when I ask
him what size drink he would like, then sweetheart, I’m going to flirt with
him, and smile like a bitch at you as I do it. But believe it or not, bitchy
straight girlfriends are no longer my only problem. Apparently in today’s world
of singleism – I know it’s not a word but it’s my blog so shh – I have to be
aware of ANYONE who may be in a committed relationship and avoid being
friendly. This means lesbians and gay men, too.
The
fact that recently I have become the enemy of a girl I didn’t even know for
sure was a lesbian has given me some angry insight. First of all my dear, I did
not know that you and your girlfriend were lesbians. I don’t assume sexuality,
so calm your tits when you glare at me as I talk to her. I am straight. I have
no interest in stealing your girlfriend. Sir, I know I’m cute but I do not
possess the power to turn gay men straight, even if I tried. I am not every sexual, I do not have a master
plan of stealing away any and every person in a relationship, regardless of
his/her or my own sexuality.
I am
tired of being typecast as the single
girl trying to steal your man – and now your woman. I know you like
him/her, but that doesn’t mean every single girl in the world does. Do I need
to start introducing myself with my intentions before talking to anyone? “Hi, my
name is Sam and I’m straight and single but I don’t want you or your partner
I’m really just trying to take your coffee order while also being nice because
we’re all people and that’s what nice people do. How are you?” That’s goddamned
exhausting and I’m quite sure my manager wouldn’t approve of me saying that to
everyone, so you’re going to have to bear* with me here, crazies.
You
might be thinking that I shouldn’t assume everyone is insecure and jealous and
thinks I’m going to steal away their partner, and you’re right. There are
plenty of sane people in the world and I try to surround myself with them
because I do tend to come off as flirty/friendly sometimes and I need people in
my life who understand that. But at the same time, y’all shouldn’t be assuming
I’m a boyfriend/girlfriend stealing tramp out to get every taken person just
because I’m single. It’s exhausting trying to balance out how much I say to
each person in the relationship, especially when the angry one won’t talk to
me! It’s an unfair world we live in, single ladies. Beyoncé made it seem great
but she lied and I’m sorry.
So to
every gay/straight/bisexual/everysexual/whatever-you-may-be relationship
counterpart, please calm down. I promise you, being taken is a turn-off for me,
and I have no secret agenda when I am trying to upsell your partner a chocolate
croissant. They’re friggan delicious and I’m supposed to make food sales. When
I’m conversing with you either of you, trust me, it’s my job. That’s it.
*I’m
not quite sure how to spell bear/bare in this context, so I went with bear because I love bears.
