How to get over an ex -because I'm obviously an expert.

You had your fling, your casual relationship or your serious one, and now it’s over. He’s gone and you’re left with the memories, emotions and that gut wrenching feeling whenever you think about him. So what do you do? We’ve already been over how to handle and hide your crazy –and if you listened to me, you were successful and there’s been no internet blocking or restraining orders, congrats ladies –but now you’re at the stage where you need to do the unthinkable. You’ve got to move on. Yes, I know, it sounds hard. Sounds impossible! It’s not. You’ve got to put on your big girl pants and get over it. I know this sounds harsh, but love is harsh. Breaks up are harsh. They wouldn’t call it heartbreak if it wasn’t so shitty.

So how do you know when you’ve moved on? When do you stop feeling you’re gut wrench and when can you see yourself with other people? I’ve asked myself these questions a thousand times, and I’ve asked my best friend about the same amount –sorry, girlie. But, through the many, many drunken conversations I had with her about how to move on and blah, blah, blah, one thing she said has stuck with me. You’ve got to feel the butterflies again –genius. And when you do, all the other shit kind of fades away. Even if the guy who gives you rebound butterflies doesn’t last, it still tackled the biggest challenge: moving on. And besides, who doesn’t like to feel the butterflies, even if they are short lived?

But then there’s the problem of actually getting over it, which unfortunately comes before the butterflies. So first, give yourself no more than a week for your self-thrown pity party. During this week, delete all text conversations and maybe change his name in your phone –no one wants to be the pity party phone call girl. Once you’ve finished feeling bad for yourself and thinking of what you did wrong, give yourself no more than another week to kind of hate him. In situations of extreme emotional turmoil, hating someone for no good reason is perfectly acceptable –for no more than a week. During this week, delete all pictures on your phone, or at least move them into a file marked DO NOT LOOK. The anger week is the perfect time for this because you will only have your hatred fueling your trash can spree. In the third week make peace, agree to be friends –although you won’t be –and return each other’s stuff. After three short, albeit grueling weeks, he will be out of your life, he will be out of yours, and you can start to build up your tolerance again. Not your alcohol tolerance, you probably worked on that enough during the first two weeks.

What I’m talking about is your relationship tolerance. After the last week when you’ve made peace, you should be able to start flirting with cute guys again. And shortly after that, you’ll be strong enough to risk rejection –it will come ladies, don’t be fooled into thinking you can be a relationship hopper. And once you can handle all this, you are ready for the butterflies.



It takes all kinds of people to make the dating world go 'round.

The dating world, much like the animal kingdom, is made up of different species. In the kingdom, there are lions, tigers, and bears, oh yes, and monkeys, and giraffes, and dogs and cats, and you get the point. In the dating world, there are different species of single men and women –and they can all be just as wild as the animals. I have been lucky enough to encounter quite a few of these species, and I’ll bet most people have been just as lucky. Remember in Mean Girls when Cady Heron compared the girl world to the animal world –which made absolute sense because girls are just as ferocious as wild animals –well, it’s a bit different with the dating world. Not only do you have to factor in men, but also the crafty ways singletons attempt to hide their species. So it’s more of who’s who of personalities, a game we really only figure after a few too many dates.

The Clingers

Clingers are a dangerous type because they are slowly taking over the dating world; they are most commonly women –get it together, ladies, you’re ruining it for the rest of us –but I happen to have a lot of experience with more rare male clinger. There’s a difference between the two: clingy women will not only bug your ass way too much, but they’ll get mad at you for not answering them. The good thing about that is after a while they will give in to their anger and just leave you alone –unless you have the stalker girl, which is a whole other category. Clingy men are almost worse for several reasons: first, no one likes a clingy guy, ew. Second, they take much longer to get the hint. If I didn’t answer your last nine messages, it’s not because I forgot, it’s because ya bug me. It’s the hope they hold onto that make them impossible to get rid of. And last, clingy guys tend to start off at stage five and escalate from there. Word to the wise, you can’t start that high, that’s supposed to be the cut off.

The Way Too Committed Bunch

These guys are also most commonly women –the mystery as to why normal women can’t get past a second date is starting to become clear –but again, I’ve been lucky enough to have my male experiences. The good thing about these guys is they’re easy to spot pretty early. Usually on a first date they will talk about the next seven dates they’ve already planned without your consent. It’s at that point you should cut your losses and get out; and never have sex with them. That’s pretty much consummating the fictitious wedding you’re having in the summer.

The Nothing Serious Crew

These are guys or girls who are just looking for fun. And that’s not a bad thing, but you’ve got to be careful with them; they’ll never let you know up front that’s what they want. If you happen to give off the vibe that you are not looking for casual sex, they will quickly and abruptly end everything with you simply by saying I’m not looking for anything serious. It’s tricky trying to spot these ones because they are great on dates, and never let on that they just want to get you into bed once or twice or for a few weeks without another dinner. If that’s what you’re looking for though, try to be a little forward on the first date. Make some physical moves to let him know that you’re down for casual sex, and you can side step the bullshit dates and nothing serious talk.

General Douchebags

There are quite a few types of guys –and girls –that fall under the term of douchebag; too many that it needs a general category. Let’s talk about the girls first. If you are a girl who breaks up with a guy who is hopelessly in love with you and still keeps him wrapped around your finger for when your new guys aren’t working out too well, you’re a douchebag. If you string along a guy who’s hopelessly in love or in like with you just to make yourself feel better, you’re a douchebag. And if you get pregnant just to hold on to the guy you’re with, you’re an asshole. Knock it off. Guys, if you lead a girl on just to ignore her or tell her you don’t want anything serious with her, you’re kind of a douchebag. If you are sleeping with your ex-girlfriend while not breaking up with your new girlfriend, you’re definitely a douchebag. If you start talking to a girl you used to have a thing with just because you’re bored and not seeing anyone, you’re a douchebag. Stop ruining her happiness because you want to get laid.

The Good Guys/Girls

Yes, they do exist. And yes, they’re probably falling victim to all the girls and guys in the last category. Unfortunately, these ones are often looked over, screwed over, or shut out. They’re the ones who aren’t jealous, who won’t put you down, who will support you, laugh at your jokes –even if they’re not funny –will make you laugh and just treat you right. They’re the ones that will tolerate your friends, and maybe even invite them to tag along with his friends –maybe even let them date his friends. These guys and girls will forgive you for the little things; they won’t hold a mistake over your head and they won’t punish with the cold shoulder for it. And they’re the ones who will try their hardest to make up for their own mistakes. And if you’re lucky enough to find one, don’t let them go. God knows you don’t want to attempt the single jungle again.