As you can imagine, not everyone who turns to a free dating site is a winner like yours truly. So naturally, I received some very interesting messages over the month. Many of these messages went rightfully unanswered but I should thank the charmers of the internet for providing me with such a great set of stories. So thank you, creepy guys, clingy guys, controlling guys, and just plain weird guys. Without you, my life would probably be better, but not quite as funny. And I’ll trade better for funny any day.
The very first date I went on from POF – yes, the ultra suspicious girl actually went out with a stranger danger – was only three days after I opened my account. Apparently, according to some of the guys I asked, the sea of winning women is shallow on POF but the deep end is full of crazy ones – I know, it’s shocking, isn’t it. So if you are somewhat cute, don’t have kids, and don’t fall in love with every guy after he asks you out, you’re a bona fide catch. Don’t count yourself out just yet ladies. *wink*
So the first date went well except for a few red flags I had noticed, but things really went south when the first pet name was used. FYI, I’m not a huge fan of pet names, especially ones that make me want to throw up, so it’s best to stick to the basics – babe, cutie, hun, and after I get to know you a bit, sexy, sweetheart, and even baby is ok. What’s not ok, you ask? Pookie. The one single word that will have most girls running from you faster than speedy Gonzales – he’s a really fast mouse, right? And if you are one of those couples that actually like to use this one, stop it. It’s gross, and you know it. Safe to say the first date was the only date with pookie.
On the other end of things, while some guys like to say hi and ask you about your interests to get you on a first date, the really special ones like to use clever pick up lines. Some of the best ones I got: “You might want to sit down, because I’m about to pick you up.” Or the always popular “Wanna see how big I am?” No thank you, sir. Based on your duck face in your profile picture I’m sure you’re less than impressive below the belt, and not quite big enough to make up for a male duck face selfie. “Causal hookup?” and “Are you DTF?” got right to the point and I appreciate them side stepping the bullshit of “Hi, how are you, I have a hard enough time finding girls to screw me in real life so I hope your standards are low enough to look past my lack of effort.” But the best one, the line that takes the cake, was something I didn’t even know was a pickup line. I opened that message to see the best three words I’ve seen on that site, “Ride my face.” Ride my face. Yes! Finally! I’ve been looking for a face to ride for quite some time now, and with no luck in the real world I thought just maybe I could find that face on POF. Long pause. I do wonder if anyone actually agreed to that romantic proposal of face riding and led him to believe that it work again. But curiosity killed the cat, so I wasn’t touching that experiment with a ten foot pole.
In the roughly 363 messages I received, I was asked to partake in a few threesomes. The first couple confused me; I got the message and obviously checked out the guy’s profile. He had pictures of him and what I’m assuming is his girlfriend in a bikini. The headline is what really pieced it together though: “Looking for girl to join for some fun.” How the hell do you say no to that? Another man invited to not one, but two threesomes. I must have made quite an impression. After telling him that 32 was slightly out of my age range, he asked me if I had ever thought of two guys at once. I said no thank you. A couple days later he apparently was preparing to negotiate this threesome and asked “what about two girls?” That was thoughtful of him to ask.
The fun thing about guys on the internet is that they’re not that great at hiding their crazy. It makes detecting them easy, but they’re hard to get rid of. At one point, I was dealing with needy, clingy, and controlling. Clingy was annoying and controlling was creepy; he asked me how many guys I had slept with and how many guys I was talking too, the same day we started talking. All three of them took effort to ditch.
So that’s the bad; the funny stories without the hits to my self-confidence. The more or less harmless weirdos of the internet that were essentially just amusing, and creepy. Either way, it makes good story telling.
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