This is not a helpful blog post.

If you’ve ever indulged yourself in the dating world, then you’ve asked yourself the same thing I have, probably more than once: how do you know if he likes you; how do you know if she likes you? I have searched my archive of stories, experiences, and friends, and I’m here to give you the best answer I possibly can: I have no f**king idea.

Like a snowflake, no two men or women are the same, and that’s extremely frustrating for people like myself who’s very blog depends on figuring them out. But trying to figure out the opposite sex, or the same sex for that matter, is more challenging than learning how to fly. We made planes already; we still haven’t figured out what women or men want. And so I come back to my original question: how do we know if they’re interested? How do we know if we’re being friendzoned or taking it slow? How do we know if they’re really into us or just want to be in and out?* I sure as hell don’t know, and neither does anyone else I ask.

*Dirty pun intended.

And you can’t rely on comparing current situations to previous situations for help – situation is a very laid back way of referring to anyone you may or may not be seeing; very non committal, much like the person you don’t know if you’re dating. All men may act the same way, but that doesn’t mean it’s for the same reasons. Just because Mike didn’t know how to make a move and then dropped you when he did doesn’t mean that Chris is doing the same thing; maybe he’s building a foundation of friendship, or maybe he’s actively pushing you into the friendzone until you get the hint. There’s really no way of knowing, so it’s for sure not our fault for completely missing any and all hints along the way. If you’re not exactly interested in anyone else, than you can sit and enjoy the ride, see where things go. If you’re slightly more impatient, the ride isn’t that much fun. Who wants to invest all of their time into something they think is going somewhere when the other person is interested in nothing more than friendship? Aint no one got time for that.

By the way, if any of you were looking for a helpful “how-to” on navigating through the bullshit signals you may or may not be getting when you may or may not be seeing someone, I am sorry to tell you that you will not find that here. I know you came to my blog thinking I have my shit together, but I’m just as lost as the rest of you, in fact probably more so. I just took it upon myself to express the confusion and anguish that plagues a single person over the internet. I’m sorry to have misled you. I really don’t know how to tell if someone is interested or not, and I don’t think anyone really can. I think every situation is different, and all the rules you think exist are bullshit. No one ever plays by the rules; we’re basically making it up as we go. So what do you do? Trust your gut. If you’re inner voice is telling you to stick out, then hang in there. If it’s telling you stop wasting your time, listen. And if you’re like me, and you have several inner voices freaking the hell out, keep calm and ask your friends. They’ve got your back and at the very least, they want you as sane as possible, so they won’t steer you wrong.



Blissful naivete vs. Logical Cynism

Remember when you were a kid and you picked up a flower and pulled all the petals off saying he likes me, he likes me not? Yeah, well life hasn’t seemed to change much since then, has it? When it comes to dating, how often do you find yourself playing the same game, just without the flowers? And that’s just because guys don’t bring you flowers anymore. When I start seeing someone, I constantly find myself walking the line between blissful naiveté and logical cynicism – which, lesbihonest, is just my fancy way of saying bitter insecurity. Do you let yourself be happy and enjoy the rush of feelings you’re getting for that new guy, or do you keep your guard up, constantly wondering if he feels the same, never really letting yourself feel the butterflies? Well shit, I really don’t know. Let’s debate.

You two go out and everything appears to be great; you like him, it seems he likes you too, the dates are good, the sex is great. What could go wrong? He could change his damn mind, that’s what – and here we meet bitter insecurity, I mean, logical cynicism. Maybe he just wants to be friends, maybe he just wants sex, maybe you’re just a crazy person who has a habit of over thinking, over analyzing and making shit up to justify it all. Sure, cynicism isn’t looking too good right now, but at least you’ll see it coming when and if he does change his mind and things don’t work out, right? Let’s meet blissful naiveté now; this is where you realize you like him, end of story. You don’t read too much into anything, you don’t analyze every conversation and date like it’s your damn job and you don’t drive yourself crazy. Wait, did I miss something here? On paper it would appear that blissful naiveté won that debate hands down… yet I’ve been playing with cynicism for years now. Being devil’s advocate, what happens if you are happy and carefree and things don’t work out? You get hurt, you get a little more cynical and worst of all, you didn’t see it coming.

So I guess the question isn’t which one is better, but which one is worse: being guarded and closed off with the benefit of seeing the dead end before you hit it, or being misguidedly happy for a bit and blindsided when it’s over? Speaking honestly, I still don’t know. But what I can tell you is that being happy for a bit is wonderful; even if you crash and burn and the recovery is harder, you get to be happy. The alternative is to be insecure and never quite sure what you have and how you should feel, but with less of a crash. I know, Sophie’s choice over here, eh. *Sorry, inappropriate joke time. Of course, you can always go buy your own flowers and start pulling out petals if you feel like that’s a better game plan.

Recently, I’ve been choosing insecurity over happiness, occasionally declaring that I’m not going to date anymore because it’s stupid and I don’t like feelings. Well, if this is the path that you decide to take, I will pass on one piece of advice a good friend told me: you will make a lot of cats very happy. So choose wisely, kids. And if you don’t, the pound is always looking for new cat ladies.

An open letter to the men who never cared

My little blog has always been funny, sarcastic and lighthearted. It is cleverly titled the Unromantic Comedy because I believe my story is exactly that: it follows some of the general rules of a typical romantic comedy but without all the fireworks, romance, and good endings. And for those of you who watch the ever popular RomCom, you know that there is always a breaking point for the heroine. Whether she is rejected by a guy or the one she loves does something wrong, the movie always takes a minute to be serious and convey somewhat realistic emotions in between all the romantic bullshit. In my story, this is that minute.

This open letter is addressed to each and every guy who has come in and out of my life, whether it was brief, meaningless, unsubstantial or even a forgotten memory on his part; because I have not forgotten, and I’d like them all to know exactly why.

Because of the boyfriend who broke up with me because he didn’t love me anymore, twice, I don’t believe in forever, in solid relationships or that anything is truly lasting; not for me, anyways. I live with the constant thought that the man I’m with will change his mind in a minute and walk away. To all the men who tried to talk their way into screwing me, screw you. You make girls like me think we are not worthy of love and relationships but only of sex. You give us a complex that makes us think men only want to get into our pants and that they couldn’t possibly want anything more. And when you did talk your way into it, and decided you didn’t need to see me again, thank you. Thank you – ever so sarcastically – for letting me disconnect the sex from feelings, even when I didn’t want to. Thank you for giving me the constant thought that when I do sleep with the guy I like, he will walk away and no longer be interested in me. To the guys who stop talking to me when I won’t sleep with them and who stop talking to me when I do sleep them, get your shit together. If karma is on my side, you will get erectile dysfunction when you’re in your prime; if you’ve already peaked – which I’m sure most of you have – I still hope you get it.

To all the men who never returned my messages because you were finished dating me and didn’t think I deserved the courtesy of simple text, thank you for making me cold. I cannot accept that someone may be interested in me because when I don’t hear from them I think of you; I think of everyone I’ve ever dated who turned away without a goodbye and I will always assume they are doing the same. To all of you who have turned me into someone I don’t always like and who have deepened every insecurity I’ve ever had, I have one thing to say: you have made sure I will never have a normal relationship. I will never assume he likes me, and I will never understand the attraction. I will always have my guard up because my heart is cold and cannot take another hit; I will always ruin potential relationships with my insecurities, because men can’t possibly understand them, and I don’t blame them for that.

And to all the good guys, the ones I couldn’t find a connection with because you were too nice and seemingly perfect and I am apparently destined for the bad road of men, I’m sorry. You deserve all of someone and without the connection, even when in theory you are perfect for me, you would only ever get part of me and that’s not fair. When the only thing you ever did was develop feelings for me and I couldn’t return them, I’m sorry. I hope I am never one of the women who hurt you in the ways I’ve described.

I spent four years telling myself I didn’t need love and that the world would still turn if I was alone. As of recent I decided that it’s ok if I want someone to love me, and that it’s normal. But, as I’ve realized, I’m not really sure that’s possible. I can’t have feelings for someone without feelings of fear and sadness overwhelming me. I can’t believe that someone would want to be with me and I pull away, or I push too hard. My guard is and always will be up, and thanks to you, to all the men I’ve mentioned in this letter, I’m not sure it will ever come down long enough to let someone in.

To all the men who do this to women, who tear them down and never stick around to see if they can be built back up, who selfishly never put her feelings before your urges, who think it’s ok to screw with her feelings because you don’t care about her, I hope you read this letter. I hope you see what you are doing to the girl who can’t walk away from you or who still believes you will call her back. I hope you know that when you convince her to sleep with you and never see her again, you are building her insecurities and ruining the notion of romantic sex. And I hope you know that when you fall in love with a women and she pulls away, and she’s broken and can’t trust you, it’s because of you. It’s because she’s been torn down by men like you who never cared.