Do you believe in soul mates?

When it comes to finding the one, many people take up the belief in soul mates. And I can understand that; it’s nice to think there is one perfect person for you out there and if you just give it time, fate will you bring you together. I, however, do not choose to believe in soul mates or even fate, for that matter. For one, I’m far too much of a realist to believe that everything will always work out perfectly – because it won’t – and I also don’t feel like waiting around for fate to fuck up my life – or make it better, for you optimists. I don’t like chalking everything up to fate and the universe and am an avid believer that life can take you in millions of different directions, and that you choose which direction. When it comes to life and love, I’m not so much of an everything happens for a reason person but more of a shit happens person.

Of course, there are always those few exceptions like my best friend whose life really does follow the everything happens for a reason rule, but for the rest of us like me, I like thinking that my life is in my own hands. And that’s why I don’t believe in fate or soul mates, and I bet I can prove that it’s a much for comforting and romantic belief than you might think.

I have always believed that people come together based on circumstance. People of less means tend to be friends and lovers with other people in the same situation. The same is usually said for those with all the means and luxuries of the world – they tend to hand around with other rich and luxurious people. I’m not saying they don’t ever cross paths; but when they do I don’t believe that’s fate. I think that whatever direction you choose to go, you will end up somewhere you belong. And that’s why I don’t like the idea of soul mates, that there’s only one perfect person out there for you and x, y, and z needs to happen or you’ll miss them and your life will be ruined. I believe there are hundreds of perfect people for everyone, and whatever path you choose, you will run into one of them. And I find that comforting; that no matter what direction you go, you will find people who are perfect for you. Unless that direction is murder; because the perfect people you will find are murder victims and I don’t think anyone should find comfort in that path.

So as long as your direction is legal and morally right, I think you should be happy that you are bound to meet the love of your life. Takes the pressure off, doesn’t it?

You go, Glen Coco

I am an average person in every sense of the word – except in height; in that I am an avid underachiever and sadly only come in at 5’ nothing. But in all other aspects, average. There is nothing overly special about me and I feel that lot of people think the same way. And this is why I feel like we should celebrate the average people and all their average qualities; we make up the majority, you see.

When I scroll through my Facebook or Instagram and I see friends and strangers posting their weight loss transformation pictures, with all the congratulations for being skinnier and things like that, I have a mix of emotions. Obviously I feel happy because I’m not a monster and I’m excited that person is skinny – I know how it feels to be fat, and it’s not fun. But I also feel bad about myself, and I have a sneaking suspicion I’m not the only one.

No one ever says, “congratulations, you have a nice face” or “good job, you’ve got an awesome personality”. These are major achievements that I feel are overlooked. It’s hard to be blessed with a fortunate face and the talent to use makeup to your advantage. And an awesome personality? Harder to come by then you might think! I know quite a few people whose personalities I would not congratulate. Being of average height is another big win for many people; this is one of the luxuries in life I was denied, and I think there’s still something to be said about surviving an average heighted world at only 5’ nothing. It’s awfully difficult to reach things and you must learn to climb, no matter how unsafe it may be.

It seems to me that we are only praised for changing ourselves, and never for just being ourselves. If you are and have always been skinny, people don’t say “awesome job on always being hot”. So here’s to all of you: everyone who is happy just staying the same, whether you’re average or otherwise, congratulations on being you. Embrace everything you’ve got; curves, collarbones, anything and everything. It is a pretty awesome thing to be exactly who you are and to love yourself for it. I know that, because I am one of the many people who struggle with that concept on a daily basis. So keep doing your thing, you’re pretty awesome at it. You go, Glen Coco.

Dumb girl tests: no.

Having relationship troubles? Not sure if it’s meant to be or if you’re really in love? Curious as to how slutty you are or questioning your sexuality? Fret not, my friends! If you have the internet or a teen magazine, you have all the answers at your fingertips! Just type your queries into the search engine of your choice and BAM! ALL OF THE TESTS! No really, allofthetests.com has literally all of the tests you need to find the most accurate answer to all your life’s troubles! But be careful, all the tests are based on how many questions you answer correctly – admittedly the tests seem a bit biased and I have a sneaking suspicion there’s trickery at play – and your opinion on whether or not you like there test is held against you; sneaky bastards, those teenage girls. As long as you are fine with outcomes being one extreme or the other, and, sometimes, completely misguided – ahem, are you a slut? test – then this is the route for you! No need for guessing and uncertainty; the end of your emotional turmoil is just a click away at allthetests.com!

Wondering if everything I just said is 100% sarcastic and I actually think girl tests are bullshit? Why yes, you would be correct! My relationship angst and worries can’t be answered by some fifteen year old girl making up her very misguided and biased tests on the internet; they can’t even be answered by the slightly more mature yet still misguided tests in a magazine. What I wonder is, what drives a girl to turn to these tests? Does she think it will be accurate? Does she think that the answer to her future is actually locked in her not so hidden subconscious and these tests will brilliantly bring it out? Is she hoping that they will reassure her of a decision, or give her one? Because let me tell you ladies, these tests are bullshit, that’s a fact. I bet you a case of beer that there is no scientific merit to the does he like you back test, and I know this because I took the test. One of the last questions was “do you like this test?” and I answered no. That answer was later held against me in the ruling of whether or not some guy liked me, which – surprise, surprise – ended up being a 50/50 chance. Why, thank you dumb girl test! Such clarity you have given me. The are you a gay test isn’t much better; the question “when you’re with your girlfriend are you thinking of a hot guy or your girlfriend’s booty” seems a bit blunt, and my friend who took the test found it to be rigged and biased. He is a gay, but this test was not at all helpful in coming to terms with it.

Girls need to stop turning to the internet or magazines for relationship advice. Sure, Cosmo has great sex advice, but that’s completely different territory than relationships. I find myself reading their articles and not feeling at all reassured about any of my man situations. Don’t get me wrong, I love Cosmo and all its glory, but I prefer a more realistic explanation of relationship troubles and triumphs. For example, my blog – subtle personal advertising – delivers very realistic stories and lessons I have learned over the year. Admittedly, advice is not my strong suit – I’m just as lost as the rest of you – but at least I don’t bullshit anything. And that’s the difference between your friend, or sarcastic blogger, and dumb girl tests: we won’t say anything to make you feel good if it’s not true; girl tests tell you what you want to hear based on how many questions you answered yes to. And, for the record, when the answers include “I’ve never had sex;” “ only if it’s for money;” and “yes,” of course I’m going to be ruled a slut. Beware, friends: Sluts are everywhere. Are you a slut? is the most biased and rigged test of them all. And then it slut shames you. Boo, you whore.