Dumb girl tests: no.

Having relationship troubles? Not sure if it’s meant to be or if you’re really in love? Curious as to how slutty you are or questioning your sexuality? Fret not, my friends! If you have the internet or a teen magazine, you have all the answers at your fingertips! Just type your queries into the search engine of your choice and BAM! ALL OF THE TESTS! No really, allofthetests.com has literally all of the tests you need to find the most accurate answer to all your life’s troubles! But be careful, all the tests are based on how many questions you answer correctly – admittedly the tests seem a bit biased and I have a sneaking suspicion there’s trickery at play – and your opinion on whether or not you like there test is held against you; sneaky bastards, those teenage girls. As long as you are fine with outcomes being one extreme or the other, and, sometimes, completely misguided – ahem, are you a slut? test – then this is the route for you! No need for guessing and uncertainty; the end of your emotional turmoil is just a click away at allthetests.com!

Wondering if everything I just said is 100% sarcastic and I actually think girl tests are bullshit? Why yes, you would be correct! My relationship angst and worries can’t be answered by some fifteen year old girl making up her very misguided and biased tests on the internet; they can’t even be answered by the slightly more mature yet still misguided tests in a magazine. What I wonder is, what drives a girl to turn to these tests? Does she think it will be accurate? Does she think that the answer to her future is actually locked in her not so hidden subconscious and these tests will brilliantly bring it out? Is she hoping that they will reassure her of a decision, or give her one? Because let me tell you ladies, these tests are bullshit, that’s a fact. I bet you a case of beer that there is no scientific merit to the does he like you back test, and I know this because I took the test. One of the last questions was “do you like this test?” and I answered no. That answer was later held against me in the ruling of whether or not some guy liked me, which – surprise, surprise – ended up being a 50/50 chance. Why, thank you dumb girl test! Such clarity you have given me. The are you a gay test isn’t much better; the question “when you’re with your girlfriend are you thinking of a hot guy or your girlfriend’s booty” seems a bit blunt, and my friend who took the test found it to be rigged and biased. He is a gay, but this test was not at all helpful in coming to terms with it.

Girls need to stop turning to the internet or magazines for relationship advice. Sure, Cosmo has great sex advice, but that’s completely different territory than relationships. I find myself reading their articles and not feeling at all reassured about any of my man situations. Don’t get me wrong, I love Cosmo and all its glory, but I prefer a more realistic explanation of relationship troubles and triumphs. For example, my blog – subtle personal advertising – delivers very realistic stories and lessons I have learned over the year. Admittedly, advice is not my strong suit – I’m just as lost as the rest of you – but at least I don’t bullshit anything. And that’s the difference between your friend, or sarcastic blogger, and dumb girl tests: we won’t say anything to make you feel good if it’s not true; girl tests tell you what you want to hear based on how many questions you answered yes to. And, for the record, when the answers include “I’ve never had sex;” “ only if it’s for money;” and “yes,” of course I’m going to be ruled a slut. Beware, friends: Sluts are everywhere. Are you a slut? is the most biased and rigged test of them all. And then it slut shames you. Boo, you whore.