You don't win friends with salad. - Homer J. Simpson

Throughout my adventures as a single lady, I encounter a wide variety of men who I sometimes go out with. I don’t always write about the dates I go on because, quite frankly, they’re usually not all that interesting, good or bad. But finally, the long-awaited terrible, bad date has happened, and I’m going to tell you all about it. The story comes with four rules and a nice little rant at the end.

I went out with a charming older man a couple weeks ago – and by charming I mean full of himself, and by older man I mean 28 and living at home. He was fit and obviously spent a lot of time at the gym, never a bad thing, right? We went to eat and watch a football game (literally my favourite date ever) and it started going downhill from the start. By they way, it’s really hard to ruin any date that involves football, so good job, fit guy. The first rule is you can’t out order the guy; you don’t want to be that girl. You also don’t want to be that girl or guy who orders water and a salad on the first date. You especially don’t want to be the guy who doesn’t just order a salad, but first asks what the healthiest thing on the menu is. First thought: shit, now you have to order a salad.

Which leads to the second rule: when the girl is discussing salad dressings with the waitress who “isn’t really a salad eater”, don’t condescendingly say to her “oh, you’re not a salad eater?” Second thoughts: shit, now the waitress thinks I’m just like him.

First impressions are everything, and when you order on a first date like this, that impression is not going be great. Third rule: when the girl (me) tells you she used to be fat, don’t follow that up with this question: “Did you date a lot when you were fat?” and when she says no, don’t follow that up with: “Do you date more now?” with a condescending tone in your voice. Oh, thank you sir.  Good thing when girls lose weight they also lose every insecurity they ever had about not getting a guy because she was fat. Otherwise that might have made me feel a little bit shitty. *enter sarcastic eye roll here.* And I know he thinks you can’t date if you’re not perfect; there was three hours worth of shitty conversation to back up that theory.

Fourth and final rule: when your date has gone as swimmingly as this one has, it’s never really a good idea to look down at your 5’ tall date and say kiss me and leave no time for her to say no. This isn’t Gone With the Wind, you can’t say that and expect a positive response in 2014.

And this brings me to my rant. Can I say how shitty it is when your self worth is based on how much you weigh, or how big your love handles are, or if you have abs? Everywhere I look, people are talking about weight. Whether they’re saying positive or negative things, it’s everywhere. When did we start making a personal weight issue everyone’s issue? I hate seeing fat shaming, skinny shaming, slut shaming, and any other shaming we are doing. Can we all just stop with the self-hate and the body image hate? If you don’t want someone to see you naked, do it in the dark. If you don’t like the way your thighs look in skinny jeans, wear yoga pants. They make your ass look great, no matter what. No one should let the way they look stop them from doing anything. If you’re smart, find other smart people because they won’t give a shit if you have a few extra pounds. They’re smarter than that. And if you or someone else thinks you’re not skinny or pretty enough to sleep with hot guys, then good for you, you dodged a bullet. No one wants to be with those people anyways; they have shitty personalities and should stay with other shitty people who think the same way. Ahem, my lovely, judgmental date.

I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we’d all eat it and be happy.

She doesn’t even go here.

Ok, just go home.

To hermit or not to hermit

I am going back to school this year – please, hold your applause, I’ve already changed career directions – and as the summer ends and the new semester starts, I can’t help but think about my current, and most common, social situation. I make an excellent hermit, but a shitty social butterfly. Sometimes I just want to sit on the couch in my PJs and binge watch Rookie Blue, and by sometimes, I mean everyday. It’s not hard to fall into this kind of a social slump when all of your friends are settling into domestic bliss; when there’s no one left to go bar hopping with, you have to stay in, right?

The real question is: do you keep being social, meeting new people, new guys, in the hopes that you can find someone to sit on the couch with and binge watch TV? Because that just kind of seems like backwards thinking; socialize to reach your end goal of mutual hermitism. (That’s something I just made up entirely, as hermitism isn’t even a real word, but I feel like I can provide enough evidence to make it legit.) I realized that my particular hermitism – this is becoming a thing, just watch – had reached critical levels when my mother forced me to go to a frosh week party to “meet people” and “make some friends”. Now don’t misunderstand that; I have plenty of friends, and by plenty I mean a handful. But my social awkwardness has reached an almost deadly state that my mom feels the need to push me into social situations I’m not comfortable with. To clarify, the social situations I’m not comfortable with are any situations involving myself and any number of people I don’t know when I don’t have the comfort of my job in the way. And I know what you’re thinking, that sounds like every social situation; and you would be right. That’s how good of a hermit I am.

Now that we’ve cleared up my hermit skills and lack of social skills, we can get back to the real question: is it worth it to subject yourself to social situations in the hopes of meeting a fellow hermit whose mother sent them out to meet friends? On second thought, two of those people in one friendship or relationship sounds like a nightmare; if you’re anything like me, try to find someone with even an ounce of people skills so you two don’t become serial killers together. I know that seems extreme, but with all the crime shows I watch, I’m fairly certain that’s how serial killer friendships are made. I wouldn’t risk it if I were you. I digress.

Yes, maybe, perhaps, every now and then it is worth it to meet people out of your circle and comfort zone so you have some normal friends. Although, who am I to give advice when most of my friends are coworkers (all of my friends) and most of my dates are customers I hit on; I’m not a creep, they love it. But speaking from experience, you rarely meet cute guys laying in bed or sitting on the couch, and if you do, call the police because they’re strangers and shouldn’t be there. You also don’t make friends in pajamas and sweat pants, the hermit’s uniform. If your plan is to live alone with bunches of cats – no judgment, that sounds lovely – use this post as a hermit reference guide, and feel free to post your questions, as I’m quite an expert (also, see every other post with the word ‘cat’ in it, as they are all helpful how-to’s on becoming a lonely hermit, just read between the lines). But if that doesn’t happen to be your plan, which is probably the better choice of the two, so good job, then I would highly suggest hanging up your hermit clothes once every week or two, put on some jeans and go somewhere with lots of people, i.e. a bar, a party, the train, school, the street, the dog park (dog people will never die alone, not like cat people), or anywhere else you see a gathering of people. Just make sure it’s not a gang or cult, because those are not the people you want to associate with. And if those are the only gatherings you know of, put your sweats back on and immediately revert back to hermitism because you’ve already made too many poor choices.