You don't win friends with salad. - Homer J. Simpson

Throughout my adventures as a single lady, I encounter a wide variety of men who I sometimes go out with. I don’t always write about the dates I go on because, quite frankly, they’re usually not all that interesting, good or bad. But finally, the long-awaited terrible, bad date has happened, and I’m going to tell you all about it. The story comes with four rules and a nice little rant at the end.

I went out with a charming older man a couple weeks ago – and by charming I mean full of himself, and by older man I mean 28 and living at home. He was fit and obviously spent a lot of time at the gym, never a bad thing, right? We went to eat and watch a football game (literally my favourite date ever) and it started going downhill from the start. By they way, it’s really hard to ruin any date that involves football, so good job, fit guy. The first rule is you can’t out order the guy; you don’t want to be that girl. You also don’t want to be that girl or guy who orders water and a salad on the first date. You especially don’t want to be the guy who doesn’t just order a salad, but first asks what the healthiest thing on the menu is. First thought: shit, now you have to order a salad.

Which leads to the second rule: when the girl is discussing salad dressings with the waitress who “isn’t really a salad eater”, don’t condescendingly say to her “oh, you’re not a salad eater?” Second thoughts: shit, now the waitress thinks I’m just like him.

First impressions are everything, and when you order on a first date like this, that impression is not going be great. Third rule: when the girl (me) tells you she used to be fat, don’t follow that up with this question: “Did you date a lot when you were fat?” and when she says no, don’t follow that up with: “Do you date more now?” with a condescending tone in your voice. Oh, thank you sir.  Good thing when girls lose weight they also lose every insecurity they ever had about not getting a guy because she was fat. Otherwise that might have made me feel a little bit shitty. *enter sarcastic eye roll here.* And I know he thinks you can’t date if you’re not perfect; there was three hours worth of shitty conversation to back up that theory.

Fourth and final rule: when your date has gone as swimmingly as this one has, it’s never really a good idea to look down at your 5’ tall date and say kiss me and leave no time for her to say no. This isn’t Gone With the Wind, you can’t say that and expect a positive response in 2014.

And this brings me to my rant. Can I say how shitty it is when your self worth is based on how much you weigh, or how big your love handles are, or if you have abs? Everywhere I look, people are talking about weight. Whether they’re saying positive or negative things, it’s everywhere. When did we start making a personal weight issue everyone’s issue? I hate seeing fat shaming, skinny shaming, slut shaming, and any other shaming we are doing. Can we all just stop with the self-hate and the body image hate? If you don’t want someone to see you naked, do it in the dark. If you don’t like the way your thighs look in skinny jeans, wear yoga pants. They make your ass look great, no matter what. No one should let the way they look stop them from doing anything. If you’re smart, find other smart people because they won’t give a shit if you have a few extra pounds. They’re smarter than that. And if you or someone else thinks you’re not skinny or pretty enough to sleep with hot guys, then good for you, you dodged a bullet. No one wants to be with those people anyways; they have shitty personalities and should stay with other shitty people who think the same way. Ahem, my lovely, judgmental date.

I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we’d all eat it and be happy.

She doesn’t even go here.

Ok, just go home.