My biggest personal fail in my relationships – or lack there
of, lesbihonest – has got to be overthinking every detail until I have
convinced myself it’s ruined, and then it’s ruined. I always just assume it’s
because they guy is a dick; and if we’re being fair, probably eight times out
of ten that’s true. So like... that other two times though…
Perhaps, just maybe, in my attempt to be completely
indifferent towards feelings and emotions and relationships and shit like that,
there’s a little, tiny, super small possibility that I might potentially be
unconsciously sabotaging my own romantic encounters. Using my excellent over
thinking skills, I can say that I probably, without a doubt, send mixed signals
about what I want, totally expecting the guy to pick up on whatever it is I
actually want, even when I’m not 100% sure myself. But like, he should know,
right? And don’t even get me started on the completely terrifying idea of
actually being bold. Like, maybe telling him how I feel or asking him to hang
out with me on Christmas because we both have no plans and it’s totally casual
and he can say no if he wants but it’s just an idea and totally cool if not. Yes, these are what my thoughts sound like
and no, it’s definitely not weird.
So, is making bold moves a bad thing? Or is that how all
these girls I know get boyfriends and I – unknowingly – get fuck buddies and
fucked over? Too soon to tell, but probably. And believe it or not, it has just
recently dawned on me that this is even a possibility. See, I’ve been spending
the last few years thinking that feelings are bad and scare guys away – which they do, because guys freak out over
EVERYTHING. I also spend the majority of my time with a guy trying to avoid
being clingy and end up coming off distant in my sad attempt at playing it cool. But like, what’s the
worst that could happen? I let down my guard a bit and he says “oh no thanks,
I’m good with the casual” and I say, “oh ok, that’s cool, I don’t have feelings
either. Let’s keep having sex while I cry at home.”
I mean, it’s a pretty bold move to actually stop sleeping
with someone when they tell you that’s all they want, so tiny celebration
parade for me. But boldness to move something forward rather than stopping it
is a whole other ballpark, one that I do not usually play in. And in all
honesty, continuing to see a guy when I can’t even remotely trust what is going
on with us is a very hard thing for me to do. So yes, maybe I’m unknowingly
ruining my own potential relationships with fear, but hey, you dickheads made
me that way, so deal.
Guys love the game, and that’s all it is to a lot of them.
And when you’ve been an unwitting player in the game of “I bet I can get into
your pants”, how do you ever really know when you’re no longer playing? Because
that’s a ballpark I am all too familiar with and it is surprisingly similar
looking to the other one; the one I dare not enter. And let’s play devil’s
advocate here; maybe I’m comfortable with oblivious crushes on guys who don’t
like me while we have sex and I cry at home. It gives me an excuse to buy Cosmo
and eat chocolate and drink beer. Because like, that’s really what woman want.
So back to my point… is being bold and taking chances the
only way to get what you want? Or is it the fastest way to scare a guy away? I
really have no freaking idea because I haven’t really tried, but hey, you never
know how hard you can hit until you step up to bat, right? So go for it. Even
if he throws you a curve ball, hit it all the way into the next ballpark, the
one you want to be in, the unknown territory for little commitmentphobes like
me. You might end up getting what you want and hopping the ballpark fence, or
at the very least, you’ve got a great excuse to buy chocolate and Cosmo.
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