The things you wish you could say to your ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, or ex-whatever you were for a couple months.

When you get dumped, be it by a boyfriend/girlfriend or the person you’re apparently just casually hooking up with, there are certain questions you are just dying to ask, or certain things you need to say, but can’t. Why not, you ask? Because, friends, you want to stay classy and keep your dignity in tact and have a little bit of grace when the person you like decides to stop liking you. And unfortunately, asking them “were you fucking that person? Is that why?!” does not keep your dignity and grace in mind.

But since my love life is going nowhere fast – well, not with anyone on Facebook anyways – I will ask and say some of these deeply inappropriate and graceless things for you. If you’re ex-something or other is on your Facebook, put this on your page with some witty comment that will get their attention and they can read the thoughts you never said.

1.    Did you die? I’m sure you didn’t, unless you are able to post on your Facebook from beyond the grave, but I ask because you apparently threw your phone or yourself off a cliff a month ago before I messaged you two days after our eighth date. Dick.

2.    Did I accidently say I wanted to marry you at dinner? Because I feel like I didn’t. I feel like I didn’t even mention the future except when we were talking about careers. But funnily enough, you got the impression I was planning our one year anniversary when I said “text me” after you kissed me at the end of the date. I know this because when you dodged my messages or answered with one word, I asked you what was going on and you said you “weren’t looking for anything serious.” Funny, I never said I was either. Thanks for being upfront though bro!

3.    I actually really didn’t like that. At all. Your foreplay skills are subpar, at best. And I was kind of into you. Sooooo, I might’ve faked it. Every time. The o’s in that word are more real than any you thought you gave me. Sorry bro, thought I was being nice.

4.    I thought it was weird you could only keep a hard-on in one position. Don’t get me wrong, I like some lazy sex every now and then. But when you lose it every time we move, sex kind of loses it’s electricity. Especially when I have to talk it back up.

5.    Were you ever going to tell me? I realize you eventually told me that you weren’t into me anymore, but I had to ask you after you cancelled plans and were constantly too busy to answer my texts, ever. For future reference, when you’re over it, tell the girl or tell the guy. Kind of makes you a douche to leave us in limbo while you’ve already decided to move on…without telling us. Shithead.

6.    I’m actually glad we didn’t get any further than that last kiss. Based on your tongue skills I’ve already seen, I’m slightly terrified to see what you do in bed. Bad kisser = not worth the risk. Sorry not sorry bro.

7.    Do you practice your talent for the game? And the game I’m referring to is the one where you throw all your best lines at a girl over a very carefully planned timeline of texting before you go out, so when you finally do, she already thinks you like her and it will be much easier to get into her pants on the first date. Oh and your little ghosting routine is precious, just precious. You’re like the Tom Brady of dating; great at the game, but a total douche off the field.

8.    You remind me of Jon Hamm from Bridesmaids. Sorry bro, but you fuck like Jon Hamm (in bridesmaids; I’m sure he’s a great lover in real life). What that means, sir, is that you enjoy it and I, not so much. You’re very hot but awkwardly quick and selfish and dude, don’t laugh during sex because you’re weirdly turned on by something that makes you laugh.

9.    Come to think of it, every ‘relationship’ I’ve had is like the one with Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids. And if you think you’re not as awful as he is in that movie, you’re wrong. You’re just as hot and terrible. Douche.

10.  Did you meet someone new? Is that what happened? You’re screwing someone else aren’t you? I knew it. Bitch.

11.  Do you have a mental impairment? No really, I’m concerned. Do you really not realize your narcissistic tendencies? Do you actually believe all your lies? Are you delusional? A misogynist? Bless you’re crazy, delusional heart. And eat a dick.

12.  You do realize if you were honest from the beginning I probably would be ok with casual sex, right? I mean, we aren’t friggan nuns. We need ours too…and if you tell us up front you are just looking for something casual instead of playing games and leading us on, you’re more likely to get more sex out of us while we look for someone better. Which is what we both want. I can’t believe you didn’t know that. Idiot.
13. You have to know that all my friends know about all the shitty and weird things you did, though, right? Oh my god, you didn’t know that either! HA, HA, HA. Yeah they know everything…. like, all of it. Sorry, not sorry, bro. Dumbass.