If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and your girlfriend is one

Being a professional singleton in your twenties no doubt has its problems; the fear of commitment, compulsive sabotaging of promising (almost) relationships, never-ending bad date stories, the list goes on. But the most underrated and probably most frustrating problem of being a twenty-three year old single female has got to be jealousy. And not from you, but from the obviously insecure counterparts of anyone you talk to.

Now you might think I’m talking specifically about crazy girlfriends who refuse to talk to me and stare me down when they make their boyfriends order their passion tea lemonades from me. And yes, they are quite a hassle and I do enjoy fucking with them – if you act like I’m flirting with your boyfriend when I ask him what size drink he would like, then sweetheart, I’m going to flirt with him, and smile like a bitch at you as I do it. But believe it or not, bitchy straight girlfriends are no longer my only problem. Apparently in today’s world of singleism – I know it’s not a word but it’s my blog so shh – I have to be aware of ANYONE who may be in a committed relationship and avoid being friendly. This means lesbians and gay men, too.

The fact that recently I have become the enemy of a girl I didn’t even know for sure was a lesbian has given me some angry insight. First of all my dear, I did not know that you and your girlfriend were lesbians. I don’t assume sexuality, so calm your tits when you glare at me as I talk to her. I am straight. I have no interest in stealing your girlfriend. Sir, I know I’m cute but I do not possess the power to turn gay men straight, even if I tried. I am not every sexual, I do not have a master plan of stealing away any and every person in a relationship, regardless of his/her or my own sexuality.

I am tired of being typecast as the single girl trying to steal your man – and now your woman. I know you like him/her, but that doesn’t mean every single girl in the world does. Do I need to start introducing myself with my intentions before talking to anyone? “Hi, my name is Sam and I’m straight and single but I don’t want you or your partner I’m really just trying to take your coffee order while also being nice because we’re all people and that’s what nice people do. How are you?” That’s goddamned exhausting and I’m quite sure my manager wouldn’t approve of me saying that to everyone, so you’re going to have to bear* with me here, crazies.

You might be thinking that I shouldn’t assume everyone is insecure and jealous and thinks I’m going to steal away their partner, and you’re right. There are plenty of sane people in the world and I try to surround myself with them because I do tend to come off as flirty/friendly sometimes and I need people in my life who understand that. But at the same time, y’all shouldn’t be assuming I’m a boyfriend/girlfriend stealing tramp out to get every taken person just because I’m single. It’s exhausting trying to balance out how much I say to each person in the relationship, especially when the angry one won’t talk to me! It’s an unfair world we live in, single ladies. Beyoncé made it seem great but she lied and I’m sorry.

So to every gay/straight/bisexual/everysexual/whatever-you-may-be relationship counterpart, please calm down. I promise you, being taken is a turn-off for me, and I have no secret agenda when I am trying to upsell your partner a chocolate croissant. They’re friggan delicious and I’m supposed to make food sales. When I’m conversing with you either of you, trust me, it’s my job. That’s it.

*I’m not quite sure how to spell bear/bare in this context, so I went with bear because I love bears.

The THOT Process

I don’t know if anyone out there has been wondering or if it’s just me but…what the fuck is a thot? No need to answer, that question has been rendered rhetorical thanks to urban dictionary dot com and a good pal with a thorough knowledge of the thot.* A thot as defined in my own words based on my research – one website and good pal – is a slang term that stands for that ho over there; it’s a girl who willingly lets men use her for sex and things. Seems a bit general and like it can apply to a lot of people you may or may not know? Yeah, same though.

*pal is dodge. 

So how do you know a thot, you ask? How do you find them, you’re wondering? Well let me tell you. I believe there is a social media app that is rounding up all the thots in your closest vicinity, for your convenience, and that is the Tinder app.* You can find thots a plenty, male and female, ready and waiting for some cheap sex with a person who chose you solely on a few pictures and maybe a clever byline underneath your age and stupidly spelled name (why so many letters in your two syllable name?).

*sorry Tinder, I’m sure your intentions were always good…

Though, we really can’t blame those ho’s over there for being how they are. We live in a world where people try to care as little as possible and sleep with as many people as possible, almost for sport. As I’ve discussed before, dating is a sport for lots of people, so every player – asshole guy or thot – is trying to win. What do you win? Like fuck if I know. But I mean hey, whatever makes you happy.

So now that we have a thorough knowledge and understanding of the thot – let’s say we all have our degree in thotism – let’s get to the thot process. Such a clever pun, I know. First off, you should figure out if you are or are not a thot. And if you are, don’t beat yourself up. You may have done this unintentionally and it doesn’t mean you can’t change or that you still are. Think back; have you ever sent a guy nudes or had sex too fast to get him to like you? Did you let him repeatedly make you feel cheap after sex but decided to ignore it and continue to see him? Did you willingly let him do this because you were bored, lonely, or were pretending you were having fun too in between your shame spirals? If you answered yes to any of those questions….you might be a thot.

But that’s all you really have to do. Do any of the above, have a few revealing pictures on your Tinder profile, and a very noncommittal bio line with something that says “I don’t care about anything I’m just here for a good time”, but really means “I actually do care but that’s lame so let’s have all the sex because that’s what you want and that’s what I’m here for”. And bam! Thot status approved. Don’t forget to use the most unconventional and annoying spelling of your name, have the wrong age listed, and a few selfies of you trying to be a model. Now, go hook up with that guy looking for the wild women and fancy ladies. He doesn’t respect you, but he’s funny and will tell you you’re hot.

The things you wish you could say to your ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, or ex-whatever you were for a couple months.

When you get dumped, be it by a boyfriend/girlfriend or the person you’re apparently just casually hooking up with, there are certain questions you are just dying to ask, or certain things you need to say, but can’t. Why not, you ask? Because, friends, you want to stay classy and keep your dignity in tact and have a little bit of grace when the person you like decides to stop liking you. And unfortunately, asking them “were you fucking that person? Is that why?!” does not keep your dignity and grace in mind.

But since my love life is going nowhere fast – well, not with anyone on Facebook anyways – I will ask and say some of these deeply inappropriate and graceless things for you. If you’re ex-something or other is on your Facebook, put this on your page with some witty comment that will get their attention and they can read the thoughts you never said.

1.    Did you die? I’m sure you didn’t, unless you are able to post on your Facebook from beyond the grave, but I ask because you apparently threw your phone or yourself off a cliff a month ago before I messaged you two days after our eighth date. Dick.

2.    Did I accidently say I wanted to marry you at dinner? Because I feel like I didn’t. I feel like I didn’t even mention the future except when we were talking about careers. But funnily enough, you got the impression I was planning our one year anniversary when I said “text me” after you kissed me at the end of the date. I know this because when you dodged my messages or answered with one word, I asked you what was going on and you said you “weren’t looking for anything serious.” Funny, I never said I was either. Thanks for being upfront though bro!

3.    I actually really didn’t like that. At all. Your foreplay skills are subpar, at best. And I was kind of into you. Sooooo, I might’ve faked it. Every time. The o’s in that word are more real than any you thought you gave me. Sorry bro, thought I was being nice.

4.    I thought it was weird you could only keep a hard-on in one position. Don’t get me wrong, I like some lazy sex every now and then. But when you lose it every time we move, sex kind of loses it’s electricity. Especially when I have to talk it back up.

5.    Were you ever going to tell me? I realize you eventually told me that you weren’t into me anymore, but I had to ask you after you cancelled plans and were constantly too busy to answer my texts, ever. For future reference, when you’re over it, tell the girl or tell the guy. Kind of makes you a douche to leave us in limbo while you’ve already decided to move on…without telling us. Shithead.

6.    I’m actually glad we didn’t get any further than that last kiss. Based on your tongue skills I’ve already seen, I’m slightly terrified to see what you do in bed. Bad kisser = not worth the risk. Sorry not sorry bro.

7.    Do you practice your talent for the game? And the game I’m referring to is the one where you throw all your best lines at a girl over a very carefully planned timeline of texting before you go out, so when you finally do, she already thinks you like her and it will be much easier to get into her pants on the first date. Oh and your little ghosting routine is precious, just precious. You’re like the Tom Brady of dating; great at the game, but a total douche off the field.

8.    You remind me of Jon Hamm from Bridesmaids. Sorry bro, but you fuck like Jon Hamm (in bridesmaids; I’m sure he’s a great lover in real life). What that means, sir, is that you enjoy it and I, not so much. You’re very hot but awkwardly quick and selfish and dude, don’t laugh during sex because you’re weirdly turned on by something that makes you laugh.

9.    Come to think of it, every ‘relationship’ I’ve had is like the one with Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids. And if you think you’re not as awful as he is in that movie, you’re wrong. You’re just as hot and terrible. Douche.

10.  Did you meet someone new? Is that what happened? You’re screwing someone else aren’t you? I knew it. Bitch.

11.  Do you have a mental impairment? No really, I’m concerned. Do you really not realize your narcissistic tendencies? Do you actually believe all your lies? Are you delusional? A misogynist? Bless you’re crazy, delusional heart. And eat a dick.

12.  You do realize if you were honest from the beginning I probably would be ok with casual sex, right? I mean, we aren’t friggan nuns. We need ours too…and if you tell us up front you are just looking for something casual instead of playing games and leading us on, you’re more likely to get more sex out of us while we look for someone better. Which is what we both want. I can’t believe you didn’t know that. Idiot.
13. You have to know that all my friends know about all the shitty and weird things you did, though, right? Oh my god, you didn’t know that either! HA, HA, HA. Yeah they know everything…. like, all of it. Sorry, not sorry, bro. Dumbass. 

There's no crying in baseball, you need to get out of the ballpark for that nonsense.

My biggest personal fail in my relationships – or lack there of, lesbihonest – has got to be overthinking every detail until I have convinced myself it’s ruined, and then it’s ruined. I always just assume it’s because they guy is a dick; and if we’re being fair, probably eight times out of ten that’s true. So like... that other two times though…

Perhaps, just maybe, in my attempt to be completely indifferent towards feelings and emotions and relationships and shit like that, there’s a little, tiny, super small possibility that I might potentially be unconsciously sabotaging my own romantic encounters. Using my excellent over thinking skills, I can say that I probably, without a doubt, send mixed signals about what I want, totally expecting the guy to pick up on whatever it is I actually want, even when I’m not 100% sure myself. But like, he should know, right? And don’t even get me started on the completely terrifying idea of actually being bold. Like, maybe telling him how I feel or asking him to hang out with me on Christmas because we both have no plans and it’s totally casual and he can say no if he wants but it’s just an idea and totally cool if not.  Yes, these are what my thoughts sound like and no, it’s definitely not weird.  

So, is making bold moves a bad thing? Or is that how all these girls I know get boyfriends and I – unknowingly – get fuck buddies and fucked over? Too soon to tell, but probably. And believe it or not, it has just recently dawned on me that this is even a possibility. See, I’ve been spending the last few years thinking that feelings are bad and scare guys away – which they do, because guys freak out over EVERYTHING. I also spend the majority of my time with a guy trying to avoid being clingy and end up coming off distant in my sad attempt at playing it cool. But like, what’s the worst that could happen? I let down my guard a bit and he says “oh no thanks, I’m good with the casual” and I say, “oh ok, that’s cool, I don’t have feelings either. Let’s keep having sex while I cry at home.”

I mean, it’s a pretty bold move to actually stop sleeping with someone when they tell you that’s all they want, so tiny celebration parade for me. But boldness to move something forward rather than stopping it is a whole other ballpark, one that I do not usually play in. And in all honesty, continuing to see a guy when I can’t even remotely trust what is going on with us is a very hard thing for me to do. So yes, maybe I’m unknowingly ruining my own potential relationships with fear, but hey, you dickheads made me that way, so deal.

Guys love the game, and that’s all it is to a lot of them. And when you’ve been an unwitting player in the game of “I bet I can get into your pants”, how do you ever really know when you’re no longer playing? Because that’s a ballpark I am all too familiar with and it is surprisingly similar looking to the other one; the one I dare not enter. And let’s play devil’s advocate here; maybe I’m comfortable with oblivious crushes on guys who don’t like me while we have sex and I cry at home. It gives me an excuse to buy Cosmo and eat chocolate and drink beer. Because like, that’s really what woman want.

So back to my point… is being bold and taking chances the only way to get what you want? Or is it the fastest way to scare a guy away? I really have no freaking idea because I haven’t really tried, but hey, you never know how hard you can hit until you step up to bat, right? So go for it. Even if he throws you a curve ball, hit it all the way into the next ballpark, the one you want to be in, the unknown territory for little commitmentphobes like me. You might end up getting what you want and hopping the ballpark fence, or at the very least, you’ve got a great excuse to buy chocolate and Cosmo.

My dating habits are similar to those of Taylor Swift...

I’ve come to realize lately that I, in fact, know nothing about dating and anyone who reads this blog should most definitely not take any advice from me on how to do so successfully. I do, however, have a pretty good idea of what not to do at this point, so feel free to take notes on that.

That being said, here is my latest rant, ill-advised advice column, “dating” story for your enjoyment. Oh, how nice I am to lay my heart out and all it’s embarrassingly horrific memories for your entertainment. This is why Taylor Swift gets Grammys. I get nothing.

I am feeling more than ever like T-swift these days, and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Her latest album pretty much describes every dating situation I get myself into. Luckily for T-Swift, she can turn it into a million dollar CD; I however turn it into dating complexes. Mine’s funnier though, so I’ve got that. Most recently, I’ve rediscovered the joy of being rebounded by a friend. What a great feeling that is; I wonder why I have very carefully avoided these situations for so long. Oh yes, because it fucking sucks. I made a rule about six years ago to never go out with or get involved with anyone (especially a friend) who has recently ended a relationship. Past experience tells me that said friend will use you to get over their ex and make them feel better, and then casually dismiss anything you thought you might have had. It’s really a lot of fun – insert eye roll here.

Well, silly me, I recently broke this rule for the exception. You know, the one who is wearing a sign that says, “I will rebound you” but is cleverly hidden by another sign saying, “I’m totally over my ex, this is so much more than just sex”. That cover sign is a lie. That should be a give in, though, to never rebound your friends. Why do guys seem to have such a hard time with that concept? To be fair, girls can have just as hard a time not crossing that barrier. Just remember, ladies and gents, if there is a possibility of you being a completely shitty person or even kind of a shitty person, leave your friends alone. Find someone who isn’t going to lose years of friendship by you being just a tad bit selfish or, you know, really shitty.

And while we’re on the subject, we should all be up front about what we want. I appreciate a guy who tells me from the start that he’s just looking to sleep with me much more than a guy who makes me think he likes me, or wants something more with me. But, in the end, no matter how shitty that person may have been, I believe it’s all for the better. Trust me, even if it doesn’t seem like it, better things will come. That person was not for you, thank God, because they were kind of shitty, right? Just be glad you dodged a bullet because someone much better, your knight with a shining Sword, the girl of your dreams, is right around the corner, if you just let go of the shitty people in your past. Don’t carry that shit around with you; it drags you down and gets you no where.

"So hey, let's be friends. I'm dying to see how this one ends. Grab your passport and my hand; I can make the bad guys good for a weekend." - Taylor Swift, Blank Spaces. AKA, my love life in a nutshell.