I share my life, you can share yours too! Please...

This is not a rant and this is not a story. I know, sounds like a drag but please don’t leave just yet. Contrary to what I lead you to believe, my life is not actually all that interesting and it’s come to my attention that I may, wait for it, run out of humourous and disappointing situations to turn into sarcastic little blog posts. So if any readers out there have any lovely little stories, thoughts or questions I can address/write about in my blog, please feel free to email me at sampender17@gmail.com, or you can even comment on any of the posts (you can be anonymous too!) with anything you’d like to say. I’d really love to hear from people reading my blog (if y’all are actually reading it or just visiting for a moment I don’t know) so please, help a girl out. I will run out of things to say, and I’m not in the business of making shit up. Thanks! xox

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. -W.C. Fields

I feel like I’ve been putting a lot of shit on guys lately. Yes, I know that’s essentially what this blog is about, but I haven’t been dating in the past month or so (that sounds so much worse than it is) so I thought I might turn the tables on women. If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m a bit of a mess when it comes to men and dating in general. I can place the blame on them all I want, but when I think about it, women are just as destructive to their own love lives as men are. You might be guilty of this too, ladies, so pay attention. I am about to analyze the shit out of myself and women in general.

After my last ex-boyfriend, I convinced myself that love is unnecessary and I didn’t need it. I wasn’t bitter or anything…awkward pause. So when I started having feelings for guys again, I processed it as a bad thing and ran in the opposite direction. Funny story, guys won’t actually go out with you when you ignore them. Then I grew up and stopped that nonsense. But I also went out with a few guys who dropped off the face of the earth after dinner. So naturally, I assume all guys are done with me when I don’t hear from them, because it sometimes happens to be true, a lot. So somehow I’ve developed this thing where no matter what a guy does, I’m going crazy with assumptions; luckily for me, they don’t often disappoint and my craziness is never in vein. Justified insanity is ok, right? No, not really. Any insanity is still insanity and if you’re not careful, you will end up living happily ever after with your herd of twenty-seven cats. Fun Fact, cats will eat you after you die. A spouse won’t (unless your standards are reaaaaally low in which case I’d probably go for the cats). What I’m trying to get at here (damn cats are so distracting), is that my involuntary overactive, over thinking, sometimes crazy brain is probably a good part of why I attract the men I do. A good friend of mine told me that you subconsciously attract the people who are thinking like you. And if you are thinking that men are bad and going to screw you over, you’re going to attract men who are bad and thinking about screwing you over. This is getting deep, isn’t it…that’s what she said.

To sum up, ladies, I (and by I, I mean we) should cut men some slack every now and then. We can be a lot to handle with our insecurities, quirks, and untrusting poker faces. Yes, men are the reason I think like this, but when it comes down to it, prince charming isn’t going to save me if he has to cross a lake of alligators and thorny fences to get to me. Disney lied to us too, guys. And who even says we need saving? If the path is clear, he can just walk right up. Or you can meet in the middle; it’s 2014, we can start making the moves, girls. Trust me, guys love a confident women and nothing says confident like writing your number on his coffee cup before you hand it to him.



Think like a man, act like a lady? No thanks.



Do we really want to think like a man? Men drive us crazy basically because of how they think; women drive each other crazy enough, do we really want to add a man’s mentality to the situation? I have recently tried this philosophy of thinking like a man and acting like a lady; let me tell you, it’s not as fun as you might think. Because I kind of have a guy’s personality and sense of humour and I happen to be a commitmentphobe (have you figured out why yet?), I thought it would be an easy task. It’s not. I ended up over thinking like a girl, and acting like a man (don’t ask, one day I will tell you this story I promise). The problem is men don’t really have an overall plan with how they think. Women are far too logical to not put too much thought into something, which is exactly how men think. They tend to take things much more lightly than women do, and women tend to over think the shit out of absolutely everything (this is quite a skill of mine). Let’s take a few situations and compare how men and women might think and act.

A guy thinks one of his lady friends might like him. “I’m going to wait until we’re drunk and pull it out of her*; she likes me for sure, I think she’s hot so I’m going to kiss her. Oh shit, she asked me if I like her too; sorry girl, I just thought you were hot. I feel weird around you now, by the way. I wish you never told me how you felt when I kept bringing it up. ”

A girl thinks one of her guy friends might like her. “I’m going to friendzone him so hard that he’ll get the hint. I’ll never bring up that he might like me and if it he doesn’t get the hint I will run in the opposite direction. I don’t want to lose him as a friend.” (Ok, I don’t know if every girl runs in the opposite direction when someone likes her, or if that’s just me…)

*Hahaha, pull it out of her. Dirty mind, don’t judge.

A guy is texting a girl for a while and they are flirting and it definitely seems like they like each other (I don’t actually know if the guy in this situation likes the girl, because guys are dumb and lead you on anyway, so let’s pretend he doesn’t). “I’m going to text her all the time for two weeks, facetime her when I’m drunk for 3 hours and then take her out. Oh no, she likes me. It totally seems like I like her too (but who knows, I’m just a dumb guy). I’m just going to immediately text her one word answers eight hours after she texts me and hope she gets the hint (I’m guilty of this, but I didn’t lead him on). She asked me if I’m actually interested; I’ll tell her I led her on and I’m not looking for anything. That makes all the sense.”

A girl is texting a guy who asked for her number at work but she isn’t super interested (he had a wingman so she couldn’t say no without feeling like an asshole). Right from the start her replies to his texts are few and far between, without flirtation so he doesn’t get the wrong message. “I’m really not interested in this guy, and that usually never changes after I go out with someone. I know this is bad but I don’t want to ignore him because I hate when guys do that to me but I have to decide if I should give him a chance knowing it probably won’t change anything. He’s really nice I’m going to take a week to decide this (I’m a dumb girl sometimes, we all make mistakes). I’m going to be honest with him without him asking; he said he kind of figured that out, which means I didn’t lead him on.”

In each situation, I handled it better than a perfectly sane man and I am an emotionally damaged, sometimes crazy, cynically sarcastic girl. That means I win (if we’re keeping score, that’s Me-2, Men-0; although, I’m still single so the win is kind of symbolic here…). The very act of thinking like a man makes it impossible to act like a lady; because we act based on how we think, we would have to act like men to think like men. Therefore, I have decided this particular philosophy is bullshit and in my experience, if you think like a man you will just attract other men thinking like men. Like, for example, you think you want something casual and not serious and no strings attached, then you find a guy who is thinking the exact same thing. But when you revert back to being the emotional being you are, he doesn’t and you end up sad. And that’s how we lose, ladies. We don’t want to lose.

“Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady.” – Miranda Lambert



Rejection; something no one likes but everyone experiences. And if you’re one of those annoying ‘high school sweethearts’ couples, fine; you will be rejected by friends and jobs and shit. We all end up on the other side of rejection, too, so let’s not feel too bad for ourselves. The key to getting through the inevitable rejection that comes with life is to handle it with a little bit of dignity and a little bit of class.

If you have say, ten romantic encounters before you get married (to be conservative), that means you will be shot down by someone you have feelings for at least ten times (maybe shot down is a little harsh, how about politely asked to get out of their life, forever). It’s understandable that you’re going to get upset, especially after the first five. Five rejections is hard enough, but just remember you have five more to go through if you are part of the conservative number.

I’m becoming somewhat of an expert in rejection (let’s say it will be more than ten by the time I get married) and I’m not saying I’m perfect at it, but I’ve learned how to handle it over the years. Yes, you’re going to get upset. Yes, you’re going to be angry and wonder why and ask what happened. Yes, this is all ok. But to keep your dignity and your class, do all this alone. Like, late at night, in your room, eating ice cream and watching The Notebook crying because you’ll never have a love like Noah and Ali’s (you won’t, it’s fictitious; Nicholas Sparks lied to you all). No one wants to hear about the asshole who told you “he’s not looking for anything serious” or “I’m just not ready to give you what you need” for days on end. They also don’t want to hear about how you never heard from him again and maybe he’s just on vacation (he’s not). The best thing to do is to just never bring it up until someone asks what happened to that guy from the bar (no, don’t do it) or the customer you gave your number to (we all know at this point to not do that). Then you can casually say it’s not going anywhere and be done with it. And later on you can go home and cry or listen to Taylor Swift really loud in your car and sing your heart out while you drive home. I may or may not do the latter from time to time…

And that’s how to deal with rejection on your end. But we’re forgetting something; how to deal with the guy rejecting you. This can almost be harder than dealing with the after effects of being politely asked to get out of someone’s life. You want to play it cool; you want him to think you are handling it great and don’t even care that much. Also, you need to maintain this illusion of sanity. If you have him on Facebook or Instagram, don’t go posting pictures or statuses about how sad and lonely you are (not just for his sake; nobody wants to read your sad quote about being alone forever. Fun fact, that’s how you end up alone forever). If you are a constant poster, post the same things you would before he ended it with you. If you agreed to stay friends, wait at least a month before trying to contact him in any way. Any earlier and he might realize your craziness. And lastly, if you’re going to put yourself in a position where you will see him again under any circumstances (don’t ask, that’s a story for another day) make damn sure you are over him or it will make for a few weeks of emotional uncertainty and another inevitable rejection.

I’ve learned all this from experience, and they say practice makes perfect (this doesn’t look good on me anymore). So extending my appreciation from last week, I’d like to thank all the men who have helped me perfect the classy rejection. Not one of those guys knows how crazy I am. And that means I win.

14 totally acceptable things to do if you're alone on Valentine's Day

No date for Valentine’s day? No problem! I don’t have a date and look how well I’m doing. …maybe that’s not so comforting, based on this blog. Oh well. We’re in this together now, so I have a few tips for the single ladies this V-day. What you do with your time really all depends on how you feel about being alone on Valentine’s Day. For example, when I said alone, how did you feel? That will help you navigate through these ideas of what to do all alone on Valentine’s Day.

1.      If you are an angry valentine, watch a horror movie in spite of love. My Bloody Valentine is a good one; everyone gets murdered on Valentine’s Day.

2.      If you are a lonely or sad valentine, watch a sappy love story and cry while eating chocolates you bought yourself (or that your parents bought you because they feel sad for you). This also works for the angry valentine.

3.      Really don’t care about Valentine’s Day? Go to work! That’s where I’ll be. The people with actual dates will thank you and you won’t have time to think about what day it is (like you care anyway, right).

4.      If you’re still feeling down, go to the gym! You can work out all of your negative emotions, you’ll probably have free range of all the equipment and if any guys are there with you, flirt it up girl! *wink*

5.      If you’re feeling neutral about the whole thing but are a sucker for love stories (like yours truly) watch a romcom! Valentine’s Day (the movie) is a favourite of mine, or Love, Actually or even He’s Just Not That Into You. I like the multiple story romcom; I always feel inspired and full of contradicting emotions when it’s finished.

6.      You could always read my blog, see that your life isn’t that bad. It’s just one day, right?

7.      Feeling spiteful? You can always grab your other single girlfriends and head out to a bar or club and make some questionable decisions tonight.

8.      If you are a recently single valentine (my condolences), definitely stay away from your phone tonight; nobody wants to be a desperate valentine. Maybe just watch the Olympics tonight, or play some video games, do your laundry, dinner for one, drive somewhere while playing Taylor Swift really loud while you sing along, go to sleep…

9.       Sometimes guys are feeling lonely this time of the year too, so if you are a single dude tonight, rejoice in the fact that you saved yourself somewhere around $150, and you don’t have to wear nice clothes. Veg out in your track pants and play Call of Duty, watch some standup and order pizza (this also works for girls; had I not been working, I’d be describing my night).

10.  Go do your grocery shopping around 6 or 7; the stores should be empty except for other lonely valentines like yourself.

11.  Cuddle with your dog, the best valentine you can find.

12.  I’m running out of ideas.

13.  There’s really not much more you lonely valentines can do today.

14.  I made it to 14. I don’t care that I only said 11; 11 things to do on Valentine’s Day sounds stupid.

So there you have it, (almost) 14 totally acceptably things to do if you’re alone on Valentine’s Day. Today doesn’t have to be about couples; take a me day and try to forget that you don’t have a date tonight. And if none of these ideas help you make it through the night, then I’m sorry but you’re not trying hard enough. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!! xoxo

The one post I wish men would read.

A good friend of mine recently told me I was jaded and cynical, but in a sarcastically unexposed kind of way (see what she did there). And as much as I don’t want to be jaded or cynical, I realized that I probably am. But that’s ok, because luckily for me and everyone reading this blog, cynicism fuels my sarcasm. And what am I if not sarcastic? But I can’t take all the credit for this; I am jaded and cynical because of all the great guys who have come in and out of my life. And as I’ve been thinking about my history with men lately, it’s come to my attention that a lot of them had a hand in making me this way, and if not sarcastic, I am appreciative. So I thought I’d take the time to thank each one of them (anonymously, of course) for helping create my sarcastic and cynical personality. *names have been changed for anonymity should one of them stumble upon this little blog of mine*

Let’s start with John, the two sided personality I dated who trashed me to his friends after we broke up.

Rule #1: Never trash a girl you dated to mutual friends, especially if you’re going to say you dated her out of convenience.

There was Sean, a nice guy but a repeat offender on this list.

Rule #2: Never kiss a girl right before you tell her you don’t like her.  

Recently there was Fred; he didn’t really do anything wrong, but he did lead me on and for that, he earns himself a spot on the list.

Rule #3: Never lead a girl on to make yourself feel better. Never lead a girl on anyway. If I have the balls to tell someone I don’t like them, so should you. Man up.

Let’s go to Dion Phaneuf next. Again, he didn’t really do much wrong, but like Fred, doesn’t handle things well.

Rule #4: Never stop talking to a girl after you take her on a date and kiss her at the end. It’s cowardly and makes you an ass (especially if that wasn’t the first date).

There was Jay from a few years ago…

Rule #5: Never ask a girl out if you’re “still technically married.”

We all remember Tom…

Rule#6: Read my second blog post and never do any of that stuff. Ever.

And without calling out anyone in particular

Rule#7: If you’re going to say anything to a girl when you’re drunk, make sure as hell you can stand by it when you’re sober, good or bad.

Rule#8: And last, never use a girls feelings for you against her. Chances are, you’re not that special and if she found you special enough to feel something for you, don’t throw it back at her as if it’s a bad thing. That’s how you make us insecure and afraid of our own emotions.

Don’t ask women what we want, ask us what we don’t want; that matters more and the list shorter. And lesbihonest girls, we never really know what exactly we want, anyway. Since I don’t believe it’s classy to go around telling off everyone I want to, this rant was my way of calling out every guy who has pissed me off enough to make me want to. And thanks to them, I was able to come up with a few good rules of what you should never do to a girl, especially one who likes to write (*wink*). So once again, thank you guys, for making me the jaded, cynical, sarcastic and sometimes funny person I am and giving me so much material for this blog. While Ryan Gosling's sweater may be made out of boyfriend material, a lot of guys certainly are not.

How to make awkward situations at work

I am a very friendly person and sometimes my awesome conversation skills come off as flirting (sometimes it is, I admit, but I know the difference). This sometimes gets be into awkward situations; for example, at my work. My job is customer service. I’m great at it. These stories are awkwardly terrible on their own, so I’m not going to spend too much time on the buildup. Today’s subject: how my awesome customer service skills got me into trouble twice in one week.

I am a huge NY Giants fan, as you may know by now. Not many people I work with are into football so when someone comes into my store who is, I’m always excited because I have someone to talk football with. I happened to meet a fellow Giants fan one day at work who I got to talking with. While showing me pictures of the games he’s been to (I don’t even know how that happened), he came across a few pictures with his ex-wife. How do I know she was his ex-wife you ask? He gave it away when he said “that’s my ex-wife, ugh I hate her. She’s the worst.” I’m paraphrasing, this happened a few months ago, but that’s basically what he said. I said I was super jealous he went to all these football games (obviously) and sent him on his way. Before I go any further, I should say something. When I’m backed into a corner or put on the spot, I freeze and don’t know how to lie. This guy called my store later that night after close, asking for me. He asked if I seriously wanted to go to a football game and said “I’m at the airport, but I may have an extra ticket if you want to go with me and my friends. Should I call you at work or can I have your number?” Oh my God. I thought dear god please don’t call for me at work I’ll never hear the end of it (ok, I may or may not flirt with more customers than I like to admit, don’t make a big deal of it, I wasn’t flirting with him). So not thinking, I gave him my number. I was put on the spot. I ignored any texts from him, so I assume he things I fake numbered him. You are old and bitter about your divorce and no I’m not going to a football game with an old, bitter stranger and his friends. The very same week, it happened again. A regular customer of mine who tipped me almost five bucks slipped me his email before leaving the store. He wrote: we should grab a drink sometime, send me an email; hope this isn’t too forward. Yes, sir, it is too forward. You are old and I’ve seen you in my store with your wife.  



The worst date in history that didn't end up with someone going to jail.



Remember when I said I’d sworn off dating for the moment? Yeah, there’s a reason for that. I thought for my second post I could take the opportunity to not only laugh at myself , but to let everyone else laugh at me for a minute. I’ve recently had the worst date I hope to ever have in my life. I went into the date unsure if I was going to like him or not, and I walked away literally hating him. If you leave a date hating the person you went out with, I think you get to skip the typical break up lines like “it’s not you, it’s me”. Trust me, it wasn’t me. The only trouble with turning down a narcissistic asshole is doing it in a way that won’t provoke his rage issues (he had a lot of them). I’m going to change his name, because he is a real person; let’s call him Tom.

I started flirting with Tom because he was cute, he had a nice beard, and he was really nice to me. I won’t mention where I met him, it’s not important. I was excited when he asked for my number and then asked me out. Well, he first asked me to go to his house for our first date which was not happening. My dad is a police officer and I’m suspicious of everyone, but he reassured me over dinner that “his mom is always home” so no need to worry…. He’s nine years older than me, did I mention that? Anyway, he took me a foreign restaurant, where I didn’t actually eat anything because I am far from adventurous with food. The date started great; I ordered jumbo shrimp (which turned out to be a prawn) and he generously helped me with it by prying it open with his hands. And then he started what was to become a three hour long rant as I sat there with a blank stare on my face. I walked in wearing a NY Giants toque, a Michael Kors bag and Uggs. One of the first topics of one-sided discussion was how it’s stupid when people buy things for the brand and how he thinks football players are actually stupid and not that talented.  He also said it’s stupid when fans are loyal to a not so great sports team like the Leafs (have you heard of the NY Giants, sir? They were shit this year, I’m still loyal). He told me that he was gifted and hated talking to stupid people (ergo the narcissist). But even with all the ranting about stupid things and bad driving and sports, that wasn’t the worst part. Not only did he have somewhat of a criminal history (you know my dad’s a cop, right Tom?) but he also happens to be a closet racist. Unless you met me on a racist dating site, you absolutely cannot drop a racial slur on a first date, or any date. Especially when you say you f**king hate them (he dropped the N-word in place of them).

So there you have it, the worst date I’ve ever been on in my life. Trust me, I wish I was making some of this up; even I’m not that creative. And if any men are reading this right now, just a bit of advice, take notice of what your date is wearing and try to avoid racial slurs at all costs. Now you hopefully have a bit more perspective on my life, and why I feel I can rant about men on the internet. I’ve dated plenty, and let me tell you, all the fish in the sea are not worth catching

"It's not you, it's me." Yeah, ok.

 I thought it might be fun to start this blog off with a good, old fashioned girl rant. Now to get some perspective, I am an (almost) twenty-two year old college dropout working at a coffee shop. I have recently had a change of heart about my career prospects and I’m working out a solid plan. Clearly it’s going well. So, while I’ve always had the dream of being a writer (to be honest, the real dream is to be a world famous actress in two years, but every logical person needs a fallback), I’ve decided to blog about my experiences in the wonderful world of 21^st century dating. I know, thrilling material. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that my life up until now has been one sarcastic comment after another. And if you can’t laugh at yourself, well then you’re just sad.

As of recent, I’ve sworn off dating (yeah, ok, we’ll see how that goes when I get bored). The last few dates I’ve had were obviously great and left me wanting more (enter eye roll here). And when I think about it, most women in their twenties must have an entire rolodex (ok, iPhone notepad) of bad dating experiences they’re ready to share. And I’m sure if we all compared notes, they’d be pretty damn close. We’ve all had the guys who have taken you out, date went great, kissed you before you got out of his car, and then he fell off a cliff or moved away or ended up somewhere with no cell service. We’ve never heard from him again. Classic avoidance move, men; well played. My favorite, though, is the old “I’m not looking for anything serious” line, which, lesbihonest actually means “I’m not looking for anything serious with you.” I would love to call men out on this one but I think we can agree we’ve all used that line before. I think girls just end up on the shitty end more often than not, so we reserve the right to hate the men who use it. Women are crazy though, because even though we cry and rant and complain about the many, many guys out there like this, we keep going out with them. We keep giving out our numbers and agreeing to go to whatever place they want to at the chance that he might be a decent guy with something going for him. Even if we know he’s not.

So if any of this rings a bell, sounds familiar, you are probably a little dating crazy too, and I hope this blog can help you laugh at yourself instead of beating yourself up over relationship failures. Because it’s not us, it’s them.