Black, white, and a lot of grey

It’s the theoretical place that abides by no rules; that area we create in our heads that justifies just about anything you feel like doing. It’s the grey area, and we all have one. Most of my days are usually spent in the grey area, and it lets me get away with a lot –a girl’s gotta have fun, right? It frees me from waiting around for that guy to text me, or to finally ask me out, and most importantly, from spending all my time thinking about said guy. It lets me have the hope that something might come from flirting with the cute guy at work but doesn’t keep me from another cute one at the bar.

My grey area consists of one simple theory: if I’m not in a relationship, and we’re not having sex, I have no commitment to anyone and am free to flirt and kiss as I please –and I do. Why should I have to wait around for a guy to decide what he wants to do with me? Take Chicago, for example –without giving away too much, Chicago Something’s was one of his favourite sports teams. Had I waited around for Chicago to commit or not commit, I would’ve been waiting for over a year. I obviously didn’t meet anyone serious in that year –you can’t kiss and tell if you’re only kissing one guy –but I did have my fun in between my many dates with him. And what a good idea that was; Chicago couldn’t commit to a goodnight kiss let alone more than three dates in a row.

Had he made the move a few dates earlier and called me a little more often, my grey area would’ve been a little more black and white –and have a few less guys in it. But he didn’t, and neither did anyone else, so the grey area became my comfort zone. It’s the place where I can make bad choices and kiss men I shouldn’t while still texting the guy I’ve been flirting with. And if you’re single in this world, that’s the kind of grey area you need. That guy I was texting? I got bored. That guy I kissed at the bar? It didn’t go anywhere. Yet I still had my fun and I feel great about it. Why label yourself with undetermined commitment to someone you haven’t even slept with yet and limit yourself to them? Had I played the game just black and white, we would not have this blog, and I would be very far behind in the dating world.

Trust me, if you want to survive being single in your twenties while keeping your dignity and your conscience intact, the grey area should and will be your best friend. Well, besides your actual best friend who will help you make all your bad decisions in said grey area.



"Well I'll keep drinking and you'll keep getting skinnier; I'm just like you, only prettier." -Miranda Lamber

Ever hear people say the world needs more girls like Miranda Lambert? Well they’re right; although I have a feeling there are plenty of girls out there like Miss Lambert, they just don’t know how to embrace it. The main reason my life –and most of your lives, sorry girls –aren’t like romantic comedies? Simple: they’re not real, and we are.

I will never look like the actresses that play out our romantic fantasies and I will never be as cool, polished, put together, or have just the right kind of quirks they do. And honestly, I’m okay with that. I will never be a size two and 5’6 –although I’m still holding out for that extra six inches, to be honest with you; my hair will always fall flat an hour after I tease it and my outfits will never be as stylish as our romcom heroines. I will never be as smooth and confident and classy as the ladies on screen, and I don’t think anyone ever will. And truthfully, I don’t think any of us want to be. I curse like a sailor, I’ll take a beer over wine any day, and you’re more likely to catch me in yoga pants and hoodie than in a dress. My friends are the same way, and I wouldn’t trade them for the classiest bitches on TV.

I’d rather watch football or hockey than the Bachelor; I’d rather go drinking at a bar with my best friends than to a high society party. Girls like me are not put together, we don’t know what we’re doing, and we’re more down to earth than the most laid back chick on the red carpet. We hang out with the guys and watch UFC and have dirtier minds than Seth McFarlane. Some of us are rednecks and are happiest on the back of an ATV out in the mud. We camp when we’re drunk and sometimes when we’re not; our sense of humour will get a more restricted rating than any romantic comedy you’ll find and we are a hell of a lot better in bed (most girls don’t cover up under the bed sheet after sex in real life).

When it comes down to it, we can complain about how men are nothing like the babes we dream about in the movies, how they’ll never be as romantic and charming and blah, blah blah, and they won’t. That’s never going to change, and neither are we. As flawed as our men are, we are equally disappointing when compared to romantic comedy goddesses. Compared to Mila Kunis and Scarlett Johansson, we are not “ten’s”; but who the hell cares, no one wants a ten anyway. There’s no hips to grab and you’d have to be airbrushed every morning; ain’t no one got time for that.

So to all parts of the romantic comedy, romance and beauty, high expectations and unrealistic standards, we don’t care that we’re not the same as you. We don’t care that we don’t look like you and that our love stories don’t always go as smoothly –and predictably –as yours do. It doesn’t matter because we all fall in love and we all get our happy ending, no matter how bumpy, classless, and unromantic it may be. As Miranda Lambert says, “we’re just like you, only prettier.”



Eight Simple Rules for Women Like Me

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a story from my unromantic sitcom of a love life. Don’t get too excited, I’m not exactly posting a story. In the past few months I’ve gotten myself into a little bit of man trouble –I tend to make poor choices sometimes –but I can’t really blog about them to the world, because the anonymity I thought I had is actually a lie. Kind of my fault; I post this on my Facebook and I have some of these guys on there. To be fair, I didn’t actually think anyone I used to go out with would ever be interested in reading what I have to say about them, but apparently I was wrong. And even those I have wisely deleted from my Facebook still know the link to this dangerous little blog, and i'm going to play it safe. So instead of a story, I’m going to write some general guidelines I have learned that women should follow when navigating their way through the jungle of dating. Some of these are from personal experience, some are from friends. I’m not telling you which ones; I have the power of assumed anonymity –maniacal laugh.

Guideline #1: Guys do not actually get the hint. Ignoring texts for 12+ hours before responding will not subtly tell him that you’re not interested. He will just get excited that you answered and keep texting/calling you. You have to spell it out. Something to tack onto the end of this one, you can fake number a guy who brings a wingman to score your number. This is not something I have learned yet –poor choices, folks.

Guideline #2: Guys are just as crazy as girls, and we all need to do a better job of screening men for crazy. My screening process is screwed, and I can never tell the normal from the crazy and unfortunately, I feel this thing called sympathy for guys, and I’m not great at turning them down. Hence the crafty turn down techniques from last week.

Guideline #3: Guys and girls live by different rules, whether you like it or not. Just because men can get away with doing the things they do, it doesn’t mean that we can, too. I know, it’s complete horseshit, but this is what I’ve learned –my brother recently described me as a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. And unfortunately, just because I have the mentality of a guy sometimes, it doesn’t mean I can get away with acting like one. Boo, you whore.

Guideline #4: Guys you used to go out with take more interest in what you’re currently doing than you think. Whether it’s checking your Facebook page or still trying to get you back months after you’ve broken up and have moved on, it appears you are never as forgettable to them as you think.

Guideline #5: Innocent flirting isn’t always innocent. Tread carefully in the waters of flirtatious conversations; never give too much when you’re not actually interested.

Guideline #6: Don’t give your number to strangers at bars, especially when they invite you to their cabin in the woods the next day. Just skim through my last post for some clever reject lines, and you’ll be fine.

Guideline #7: Guys who only talk to you when they have nothing going romantically only want you for sex. Don’t listen to what they’re saying; if you fall for it the first time, they know you will again.

Guideline #8: There are actually decent, nice guys out there. Don’t write them all off because of past experiences –trust me, you end up bitter and cynical and jaded and all that fun stuff that is me. You just have to have to right mindset to find them.

Follow these eight simple rules –I love pop culture references –and you should have less of a hard time finding the right guys. Although, when you disregard them, you tend to have more fun. So maybe start following them when you’ve had enough fun, that way you’re not depriving yourself of the many awkward and uncomfortable situations you can get yourself into. Because what is life without a little risk and a little fun?      



How to Reject a Guy in Five Ways



If you are an overly nice person or just someone who has trouble thinking up believable lies on fly, then chances are you have run into the problem of “can I have your number?” and “well I can’t think of a reason why not!” The crafty ways of saying no, or the anti-pickup lines as they are sometimes referred to, were invented for just these situations! So fret no more, my socially awkward, too nice, or just honest friends; yes, it is ok to turn someone down simply because you want to, and yes, there are some clever yet polite ways of doing this. Through my adventures in the maze that is the male population, I have come up with a few crafty ways of turning someone down without them actually knowing it at the time. This may seem sneaky, and it is; however, no one wants to be the bad guy face to face. We’d all much rather walk away knowing they will think you are nice for about 4-7 days until they realize you blew them off. And by then, they’ll be long gone and out of your life forever (hopefully; this shit isn’t fool proof).

The Boyfriend Lie – This seems like a pretty airtight excuse out of the pickup zone, right? Nope. Sometimes, you’re going to have to think up more lies, and think them up quick. (I typed this with the typical deep guy douche bag voice; you should read it that way)

Guy: So uh, I should get your number.

Me: I don’t think my boyfriend will like that too much! (See, pro airtight excuse)

Guy: Oh, no. Where does he live? (A follow up question, really? But he’s fictitious…)

Me: Uhm, in the North end! (Nailed it.)

Guy: Oh, you still got room to play around then eh? Pervy wink.

Me: Haha.. haha… noooo.

Kick it old school with an email – Sometimes I have a hard time making up a fake phone number. So recently, I got real crafty and when the weird guy at my coffee shop who interrupted my conversation about hockey to talk about basketball said “we should keep in touch” as he pulled out his 4 year old blackberry, I looked around awkwardly before saying sure, I’ll give you my email. Oh he emailed e alright, but he can’t stalk me through hotmail!

I’m a lesbian – This one, also not always foolproof friends. I recently tried to use this at the bar when a 35 year old tried to stick his tongue down my throat. I’m little, and when someone a foot taller than you grabs your face to kiss you from behind –that sounds a bit rapey; I was not harmed during this face attack folks, but I appreciate your concern –he’s going to get what he wants, temporarily. “I’m a lesbian! This is my girlfriend!” Points to BFF. And when that surprisingly doesn’t work, and he says “the way you kissed me, no way you’re a lesbian” and leans in for another, well that’s when your best friend should start hitting him on the head until he gets the point, like mine did.

Avoidance – If by chance you are drunk when being asked for your number –this totally never happens to me.. –and you can’t think of one of these winners or a fake number, and he ends up texting you, do not answer. It doesn’t always end there, though. Sometimes, he’ll think you forgot to answer him and add you on Facebook. Do not accept. Avoidance at all costs, at all costs.

I’m not allowed to talk to boys – This one is more for your younger sister or niece or cousin or close neighbor or small girl being harassed by the weird guy on MSN –alright, Facebook; your generation will never know the joys of MSN! This line doesn’t so much work for twenty-somethings, but as a thirteen year old being bugged by that kid for my number and to hang out, it was gold. Although, he later went on to kind of cyber stalk me whenever he happened to see me out and about in the town, but that’s beside the point. I’m sure it would work for most people who don’t live a sitcom everyday of their lives.

These are my top five crafty turn down techniques that will leave you looking like the awesome person he thinks you are –you are –and will leave him with no clue at all that he was just slyly rejected until you are long gone. So be crafty, my friends, and have a little fun with rejection.

The thin line

If you are single, chances are you have at least one friend of the opposite sex that you flirt with on the regular. You probably have one of the same sex too, lesbihonest here. And if you’re like me, you probably have more than just one of these friends; I rarely go more than a week or two without talking to someone who is trying to hook up with me. And as long as you are not hooking up with all these people, than it’s ok. The same goes for making out with guys in bars. This is my justification; don’t judge the jaded single girl for having fun.

When it comes to your flirting buddies –the ones who you aren’t really good friends with but have fun talking to anyway –there are no real consequences if you were to actually hook up with them. You won’t lose a friend and chances are they don’t run in your social circle so you won’t create any awkward situations. The only problem would come if one of you fell for the other when it was clearly just a casual, no strings attached kind of shenanigan. And when that happens, if it helps, you can totally hate the guy for not realizing you’re a woman and will obviously change your mind and be super sad when it turns out to be exactly what you wanted –something casual. Not speaking from experience or anything… But when it comes to your actual friends that you flirt with, that’s where things can get messy pretty quick. There is a very thin line between flirtatious friends and friends with a sexual attraction. And on the other side of that is friends with feelings, but that’s a bigger line and another day. I personally have never crossed that thin line with a friend –I’ve crossed the bigger one but, again, another day –but I know some people who have. And it’s never a good idea. If you’re drunk, avoid these friends at all costs. Do what I do; kiss strangers, not your friends.

What I’ve learned is that it’s always better to keep around a few good flirting buddies to pass the time between relationships. I get bored, don’t judge ok? I ditch them when shit gets serious with a guy. And if you are going to flirt with your friends, be very cautious of the line. Because once you cross it, there’s really no going back. The friendship can really only be salvaged when one of you actually gets a relationship, and then you can back to the innocent flirting of yesterday. I’m going to get some hate for this, but no, I don’t think there is a problem with innocent flirting, single or taken. As long as nothing physical or emotional comes from the flirting, then there’s nothing wrong with it. I flirt with dozens of people every day; it’s part of my job –customer service, nothing weird. It makes people feel good and whether you like it or not, it happens. Your boyfriend flirts with girls, your girlfriend flirts with guys, and –brace yourselves –they both check other guys and girls out. Oh my God, the indecency! Get over it, it happens. Just be aware of the thin line; flirt with caution, friends.  



Romantic Comedies have ruined romance.

Ever wonder why girls have such high expectations of love and men? Well wonder no more, curious cats; I have your answer right here. The romantic comedy, or romcom as I like to call it, has single handedly ruined romance for men and women alike. How can men possibly live up to the unreal standards set by the very sexy men of Hollywood? And how can women ever appreciate their sweet attempts to recreate Ryan Gosling’s always smooth scenes when the guy is, unfortunately, not Ryan Gosling? Divorce is at an all time high right now (well, that escalated quickly) and I blame the romantic comedy; they are all lies.

Not to be a bitter bean or anything, but love does not happen the way it does in the movies; to be honest, nothing happens the way it does in the movies, and that’s why our lives always seem so boring. I most recently watched That Awkward Moment, that super typical and kind of adorable romantic comedy with Zac Efron and other cute people, and as much as I liked it (I can’t help it, I’m addicted to the predictability and the promise of a happy ending), I realized how unrealistic it is. *Spoiler Alert* The movie is essentially about guys who lead girls on, make them think there is something there, the chance of something more to come, all the while talking crap to their friends; it’s nothing, we’re just having fun, I’m not getting attached, whatever. Then at the end of the movie, after the girls see what’s really been going on and the guys make them cry, they make these huge romantic gestures and somehow win them back. The end. Happily ever after. I call bullshit; when a guy leads you on, 9 times out of 10 he will still be an ass after he makes you cry. I’ve never once seen a guy try to win me or anyone else back with unrealistic, super romantic gestures like they do in the movies. And if he does for some reason try to win back the girl he wasn’t all that interested in, it’s because he wants to get laid; that romantic gesture was thought up with his other head and that happily ever after finishes when does.

Unless you actually are dating one of those sexy romcom heartbreakers, I wouldn’t stick around after he dumps you. Just put on your lipstick and move onto the next one; I guarantee you he already has.