It’s been a while since I’ve posted a story from my unromantic sitcom of a love life. Don’t get too excited, I’m not exactly posting a story. In the past few months I’ve gotten myself into a little bit of man trouble –I tend to make poor choices sometimes –but I can’t really blog about them to the world, because the anonymity I thought I had is actually a lie. Kind of my fault; I post this on my Facebook and I have some of these guys on there. To be fair, I didn’t actually think anyone I used to go out with would ever be interested in reading what I have to say about them, but apparently I was wrong. And even those I have wisely deleted from my Facebook still know the link to this dangerous little blog, and i'm going to play it safe. So instead of a story, I’m going to write some general guidelines I have learned that women should follow when navigating their way through the jungle of dating. Some of these are from personal experience, some are from friends. I’m not telling you which ones; I have the power of assumed anonymity –maniacal laugh.
Guideline #1: Guys do not actually get the hint. Ignoring texts for 12+ hours before responding will not subtly tell him that you’re not interested. He will just get excited that you answered and keep texting/calling you. You have to spell it out. Something to tack onto the end of this one, you can fake number a guy who brings a wingman to score your number. This is not something I have learned yet –poor choices, folks.
Guideline #2: Guys are just as crazy as girls, and we all need to do a better job of screening men for crazy. My screening process is screwed, and I can never tell the normal from the crazy and unfortunately, I feel this thing called sympathy for guys, and I’m not great at turning them down. Hence the crafty turn down techniques from last week.
Guideline #3: Guys and girls live by different rules, whether you like it or not. Just because men can get away with doing the things they do, it doesn’t mean that we can, too. I know, it’s complete horseshit, but this is what I’ve learned –my brother recently described me as a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. And unfortunately, just because I have the mentality of a guy sometimes, it doesn’t mean I can get away with acting like one. Boo, you whore.
Guideline #4: Guys you used to go out with take more interest in what you’re currently doing than you think. Whether it’s checking your Facebook page or still trying to get you back months after you’ve broken up and have moved on, it appears you are never as forgettable to them as you think.
Guideline #5: Innocent flirting isn’t always innocent. Tread carefully in the waters of flirtatious conversations; never give too much when you’re not actually interested.
Guideline #6: Don’t give your number to strangers at bars, especially when they invite you to their cabin in the woods the next day. Just skim through my last post for some clever reject lines, and you’ll be fine.
Guideline #7: Guys who only talk to you when they have nothing going romantically only want you for sex. Don’t listen to what they’re saying; if you fall for it the first time, they know you will again.
Guideline #8: There are actually decent, nice guys out there. Don’t write them all off because of past experiences –trust me, you end up bitter and cynical and jaded and all that fun stuff that is me. You just have to have to right mindset to find them.
Follow these eight simple rules –I love pop culture references –and you should have less of a hard time finding the right guys. Although, when you disregard them, you tend to have more fun. So maybe start following them when you’ve had enough fun, that way you’re not depriving yourself of the many awkward and uncomfortable situations you can get yourself into. Because what is life without a little risk and a little fun?
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